I sometimes have a bad dream

where I HAVE to go to some kind of uber formal affair like have dinner at the White House or with the Queen of England or something.

It's on the verge of being a nightmare!

I have little sense of style, fashion or anything and I am not very comfortable in formal dining situations or just about any formal situations for that matter. The food generally sucks and the conversation is generally just as bad. 

Then there is the matter of the simple calls of nature. I remember the time my eye teeth were floating and the line to use the men's room was long. The woman's room line was much worse. I discreetly slipped outside and made a beeline to the nearest bush and upon arrival I found the groom there doing the same thing I was about to.

I can imagine the body preparation that precedes a royal wedding. Everyone probably fasts for 48 hours beforehand and does a colonoscopy prep the night before and has no liquids for at least 18 hours beforehand. 

After the actual ceremony they arrive wherever for the dinner, completely starved and dehydrated. Most people there could easily wolf down three or four Whoppers and a gallon of lemonade in five minutes but that's not how it works.

Everyone is served moderate portions and expected to pick at it like birds and leave just as hungry as they were when they arrived.

My guess is the fast food joints closest to Buckingham Palace did a land office business right after Prince William's wedding. Right after the reception they were probably mobbed by various dukes, earls, ladies and Sirs. I can picture the Duke of Paducah wolfing down about six foot long chili dogs in about four minutes followed by three large Cokes.

I would imagine the pros like William and Harry know a few of the tricks of the trade and probably have an MRE or two and a two quart canteen of water stashed in the limo so they can arrive to the tough roast beef and marble peas dinner not feeling like the starving kids overseas that mothers make their kids eat their vegetables for.

I suppose I'm no different than most guys. I try and avoid formal events. Yet women seem to thrive on them. Then again, there's no figuring out women.


To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY