Dateline: Harrisburg, PA

The Attorney General has dropped all charges against a trio of Allegheny county men after declaring he would never be able to secure a conviction because of public interference in the case. He has said that over three hundred people have filed statements declaring that they witnessed seeing the three defendants at a family barbecue.

The three Allegheny county men were charged with a  number of charges including reckless endangerment of children, assaulting police officers, causing a riot, escape, littering  and public intoxication. Their location at this time is unknown. 

The men, George Gordon, 68, Peter 'Pete' D'Angelo, 66 and Horace T. Piccolo, 22, are believed to be hiding somewhere in West Virginia. It should be noted that Piccolo should actually be 62 years old but while he was in the army his First Sergeant took away his birthday. He has remained 22 years old since.

All three are reported to be members of the so-called Grandfather's Club, a gang reported to having a mission of taking their grandkids on rides through farm country in the back of open pickup trucks.

The Pittsburgh STAR has managed to get the full story from a State Police investigator and a number of the defendant's relatives who were accompanied by the attorney of the three defendants. The investigator has spoken under conditions of anonymity.

According to the STAR'S sources, the first incident began in Mackle county when a county sheriff's officer was returning from a domestic disturbance call. He was headed back to the station and passed a small three vehicle convoy. The middle vehicle was a pickup truck with a number of children sitting in the bed. He turned around to investigate.

While the officer was turning around the  convoy stopped and the children fled to the lead car where they were quickly whisked away. The last car in the convoy pulled alongside the pickup blocking the officer from chasing the lead vehicle.

During the heated argument that ensued the officer was advised that following the lead car was futile. The driver of the lead car was reported to have learned to drive in North Carolina where he ran moonshine and outran the feds on a nightly basis.

He ordered the blocking car moved and proceeded to try and locate the escaping vehicle to no avail. When he returned to the scene of the alleged crime, both the pickup and the car were gone. 

It has been learned that the gang later met at a bar called the Rusty Spike. The oldest of the children was ordered to drive the rest of them home and drop them off. 

The driver, Lewis Gordon,17, explained that his grandfather simply told him to take the kids home. Gordon had admitted to being a soldier in the gang but has not been charged. He has been interviewed extensively by the authorities and has graciously allowed the STAR to interview him.

When the STAR showed up to interview Gordon he was clad in an outfit that would have done Edward G. Robinson proud. John Gotti, the Dapper Don, would have ordered Robinson whacked to have such an outfit.

Gordon was clad in tailored 40s retro double breasted wide lapelled  pin stripe suit, a black shirt accompanied with a white necktie, topped off by the obligatory wide brimmed fedora. 

The desperadoes then entered the Rusty Spike and according to Mike Sphinks, the bartender, they "proceeded to strike several blows for liberty''. The were also reported to have amused the clientele and Sphinks reported that they 'had a pretty good night'. He also believes that the three were taken home by local farmer Nathaniel Stoltfus and allowed to sleep in his barn. 

The following morning a county sheriff's deputy saw a vehicle matching the description to the vehicle involved in the previous evening's incident parked at an Amish roadside stand. He ran the license tag number and immediately called for a backup.

Four police vehicles and seven officers descended on the roadside stand only to be beaten back by a heavy barrage of fruits and vegetables. In addition to this, it was reported that four of the officers were hit in the face with pies.

When asked about the pie killings during the interview with Lewis Gordon simply stated, "Most likely the thrower was  Pete D'Angelo. Pete studied the fine art of pie throwing under Moe Howard."

Fans claim that Moe Howard of the Three Stooges saved Colombia studios a large amount of money in retakes because of his deadly accuracy with the round pastries.

When the officers regrouped to storm the stand they were repelled with what they thought was heavy automatic weapons fire. They retreated.

When they returned the perpetrators were gone and the deputies found only a 60s era Mattel toy Tommy gun and several strips of fired roll caps. 

Ruth Yoder, the stand owner,  has refused to charge the so-called desperados with anything, saying that before they left they left her with more than enough cash to cover all damages. 

It is believed that from there they invaded the farm of Amos Yoder, a longtime Amish resident. Yoder explained that a car containing three men that fitted the description of the gang roared into his farm at a great rate of speed and parked behind his barn. 

Three men got out of the car and ran straight to the clothes yard where they proceeded to change their cloths with the clothes they found hanging out to dry.

When Yoder asked what the men were doing he was asked to provide three straw hats and come sit on the fence with them 'if he wanted to see something funny'. He quickly supplied the trio with Amish hats and the four of them sat on his fence and watched over a dozen police cars roar by.

During a police interview, Yoder told police that one of them was heard to say, "This is almost as good as the Blues Brothers chase!" and the other two laughed.

Yoder has refused to press home invasion charges because he said that the three carefully rehung the damp clothes back up before changing back into their 'English' clothes. He also said they left him a bottle of Jim Beam and 'fixed his old woman's gasoline powered washing machine before they got back into their car and roared off in the opposite direction they had come from'.

Yoder also commented that, "The English seem to get crazier and crazier every day".

The Pennsylvania department of Human services was instantly alerted to the situation and sent counselors to the Gordon and D'Angelo homes to see if their services were necessary for the children after their terrible ordeal of being endangered by their open truck  ride through farm country.

Seven yer-old Jennifer D'Angelo was reported to have come out in a  pretty gingham dress and told the social workers  "Go piss up a rope and leave my grandpa alone! I wanna go for another ride in the country!" 

Her brother, Jeff, age ten is reported to have run into his bedroom and shouted, "They'll never take me alive!" and locked the door behind him.

Social workers have said they have not ruled out the possibility of Stockholm syndrome.

A trip to the Gordon residence proved fruitless, too. All four of Gordon's grandchildren were reported to have lined up outside where they sang a beautiful rendition of "Hit the road, Jack" for the social workers. Upon completion of the song they went back into the house and locked the door behind them.

In the instance of the Gordon children, social workers are claiming that the possibility of PTSD is a likely scenario.

A spokesman from the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam and Howe, who are representing both families pro bono claim the department of social services are 'just covering their sorry asses'.

The head of the department has suggested the possibility of  taking custody of the six children to insure the children are given the proper counseling.

A spokesman for Dewey, Cheatem and Howe announced that if the Social Service people ''Look at those children cross-eyed they will sue the director personally and recommended that he put his socks and underwear in his wife's name because they'll take everything else he owns...including his cheap, two-bit diamel pinkie ring!"

The Human Services offices announced they have reconsidered.

While the Gordon and D'Angelo families were being visited by social services, an all points bulletin had been posted for the trio, according to a state police spokesmen.

About the time social services left the D'Angelo and Gordon families the local police on Neville Island reported finding the vehicle owned by Gordon and  converged on the area.

It wasn't long before the trio was located sitting atop a WW2 relic known locally as the gas ball. Neville Island is the former site of a WW2 shipyard that made LSTs (Landing Ship, Tank). These vessels served in every theater of the was. The gas ball held natural gas used to heat the various workshops of the shipyards. It was emptied and abandoned after the war.

Today the former shipyards house a number of salvage, scrap and recycling businesses. The gas ball still stands and is considered an eyesore by locals who have wanted it torn down for decades.

Lewis Gordon explained he received a call from his grandfather, George telling him they were cornered atop the Neville Island gas ball and instructing him to gather the family and show up.

Gordon immediately called the D'Angelo family and his mother gathered the family and left for Neville Island immediately. He said that when they arrived  there were at least 20 police vehicles on site and over two hundred spectators. He explained that most of the spectators were on cell phones calling other people. He said the crowd grew rapidly.

Authorities estimate that the crowd grew to over 9500 people. The number of police vehicles was estimated at over 75.

Authorities and spectators argue about what happened next.

The police claimed that they heard a blast of muffled automatic gunfire coming from the top of the gas ball and immediately returned fire. 

Spectators claimed it sounded like a toy cap gun.

When police gunfire subsided a shout came from atop the gas sphere. One of the trio shouted down "You missed!"

Another voice was heard to shout, "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!"

A stray police round penetrated a home a mile away and shattered a toilet bowl being used by an elderly woman. She dialed 911 on her cell and claimed she had fallen and couldn't get up. Paramedics arrived and she was taken to Allegheny General where she was reportedly cleaned up and released.

After things settled down three officers were detailed to climb the access stairs and apprehend the trio. When they were a few feet off the ground the stairway collapsed and two of the officers received minor injuries.

Four ladder companies from downtown Pittsburgh were called to the scene. During this time George Gordon's daughter-in-law approached the incident commander and was heard to say, "Just send those old drunks up a half-dozen bottles of bourbon and when they pass out you can just scrape them up. No need for violence."

When the fire department showed up they were instructed to shoot a line up over the sphere. It took them several tries until an retired Merchant Mariner offered to teach them how. He made it on the first shot.

A bottle of bourbon was placed in a pail and the incident commander told the trio he was sending up a peace offering.

Lewis Gordon has since commented that the incident commander made a blunder worse then Pickett's charge. He asserted that a single bottle of bourbon would only serve to 'really fire those old coots up'. He was also quoted as saying "Those old buzzards can drink! You'd have to send up at least six bottles to settle those old nasty old goats down!"

Twenty-five minutes later an empty bottle came whistling down and smashed on the pavement. This was followed by cries of "More whiskey!"

The incident commander promptly added littering to the growing list of charges against the man.

Shortly after this the angry crowd broke ranks and surrounded the base of the sphere. It took the authorities a half-hour to herd then back behind police lines. 

As soon as the crowd was contained the firemen were ordered to put up several ladders and a number of policemen stormed up them. When they arrived at the top they found only a pair of Mattel Tommy gun toys and several strips of fired roll caps. The trio of men was nowhere to be found.

During the search for the men one of the officers stepped on an old tarp and almost fell through an access hole. The access  plate having been removed decades ago. Further investigation located another service hole at ground level. It is believed they climbed down the service ladder, exited the lower service hole and were absorbed by the crowd that had surrounded the base of the sphere. 

The lower service hole had apparently been hidden by overgrowth and accumulated debris.

Gina D'Angelo, a relative of the D'Angelo family has explained what happened under condition of anonymity. She claims one of Pete's grandchildren spotted a flash of hot pink in the bushes that hid the lower access hole and told her mother who started to pass word among the crowd to break ranks and mob the base of the sphere. The three men were quickly absorbed into the crowd.

Lewis Gordon filled the STAR in with more details. 

"As soon as the guys hid in the crowd someone traded T-shirts with Piccolo. He was wearing that disgusting obnoxious neon glow-in-the-dark pink T-shirt he wears all the time. The guys were then quickly whisked into a van owned by a neighbor of ours  that runs a diaper service. The guys were whisked into a van belonging to the Dy-Dee diaper service under a pile of dirty diapers and whisked off the site," he explained.

Gordon was asked by the STAR why the three men picked the diaper service truck as a getaway vehicle. He grinned and replied, "Those old goats have been in a lot deeper $hit than that!"

An hour after the escape a number of people mobbed the local State Police barracks, many of them wearing fedoras. They proceeded to make sworn statements that the three were at a family barbecue at the time of the incident. After over three hundred identical statements were signed statement the State Police, acting under orders from the Attorney General stopped taking statements. 

An estimated eight hundred people were turned away.

A state trooper was allegedly overheard to dryly comment that it must have been one hell of a barbecue. Must be an Irish Catholic family. They breed like rabbits. This has not been confirmed.

The Attorney General then announced all charges against the trio have been dropped, citing an inability to be able to secure a conviction.

Popular Mackle county sheriff Dave Zylinski has announced that the officer that stopped the trio would face no sanctions as he was acting in good faith. He added, however that in the future families would be permitted to drive through rural county areas with children in open vehicles so long as they stayed off of state highways and obeyed the applicable traffic laws.

He grinned and smugly told reporters he was going to find out where the Amish in the area obtained blinders for their horses and buy all his deputies a pair.

The governor's office has declined comment, stating that this was a matter for local law enforcement. Inside sources have said the the State Police are now instructed to coordinate with county sheriffs and local authorities in this matter.

Lewis Gordon has opined that the trio has likely been taken in by anti-government West Virginia moonshiners and are likely to return by late August for their annual Indian Summer ride through Mackle county or whenever they get sick of drinking moonshine, whichever comes first.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY