Day in day out.

I t has been well over a year since I stopped smoking cigarettes and probably nine or ten months since I stopped using nicotine replacement until the other day.

For the past few weeks I have had a horrible urge to light up. It’s been hideous to the point where I started back using the nicotine lozenges that seem to help a bit.

Since I started I did light up on the six month mark but that was a part of the original plan. When originally stopped I planned on lighting up at the six month mark to make myself sick.  It did make me sick as hell. Since then I have used a cigarette ‘medically’ once when I woke up in the middle of the night. A couple of puffs made me feel lousy and I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.

Nine months into it I off the wagon for a few cigarettes. Again I fell off after the one year mark and almost lost it that time. It was hard getting back on the horse. I climbed walls for a long time afterwards.

It’s been over fifteen months now and it has not gotten any easier, not even a little bit. These past couple of weeks have been damned rough to the point where I reverted back to nicotine lozenges which take damned little off of the cravings but just enough to keep me going.

People have to remember that I have a fifty year habit I am trying to break. Actually it could be argued that it started in the womb as my mother was a smoker as a young woman. In the fifties nobody knew any better so my mom smoked during pregnancy and I’m sure the nicotine in her bloodstream went into my system.

I have been this successful because I have focused on the actual smoking and have not decided to worry about anything else. If I gain weight, tough. If I need nicotine to help me, so be it.

I know that as soon as someone finds out I have used a couple of nicotine lozenges they going to make a big deal out of it and all I have to say to them is, “How about being on my side for a change.”

This has not been a good fifteen months in a way because it has been a period of constant cigarette cravings and the past month or so it’s been touch and go.

I guess all I can do is persevere and to tell you the truth I am generally pretty good at that.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY