I did get taken by fake news a while ago but it was pretty slick

because it was supposedly about a Hollywood type.

The story was supposed to be that that idiot Jane Seymour suggested that gun free homes put a red bulb in their porch light. It sounded like something a Hollywood type would suggest.

So let's say they do. Pretend it's not fake news.

Let's go with this scenario. Troop 162 of the Boy scouts is having a committee meeting. The adults behind the scenes are looking at what to do to raise some money to send the kids to a jamboree.

"What do we need? asks Tom.

"Four, maybe five grand," says Pete.

''Ten grand work?" asks Tom.

"Ten grand?! Hell yeah," says Pete.

"No problem! We need a few drivers, a few video cameras and three bottles of cheap whiskey," replies Tom. "We pay a little visit to the uppity liberal east side."

"That's a great idea! But isn't it dangerous? Couldn't someone get shot?" asks Pete.

"No," replies Tom. "None of the houses with red lights own guns and even if they do they won't do anything because if they did they'd get arrested for hunting over bait!" 

A couple of nights later:

Lefty the cameraman is hiding in a Ghilly suit in the hedge outside a house with a red bulb in the porch lamp. Tom shows up. It's about 2 am and the bars have just closed. Tom is really sober but has rinsed his mouth with cheap whisky and has spilled some on his shirt. He's a pretty good actor that really belongs in the movies. He's really a plumber that missed his calling.

He stumbles up to the door and beats on it shouting "Open up! I want me a WOMAN!!!"

Some sleepy eyed guy answers the door and demands to know what is going on

"Ain't this a whorehouse?" shouts Tom.

"Get the hell out of here!" snaps the angry father.

'How come ya got a red light in the lamp if this place ain't a whorehouse!"

In his sleepy daze, the homeowners eyes snap open and he looks at the lamp, unscrews it, closes the door and Tom hears him shout, "You moron, Louise! You put a damned red bulb in the door! This ain't no whorehouse! Damn you! It's almost three in the morning and I have to deal with a drunk because of your stupidity!"

The cameraman and leave and mosey on three or four doors down and set up again. Maybe their luck will change.

This house they hit pay dirt. It's a soccer mom with a husband that is out of town on business. She was the sheltered apple of her father's eye and was kept sheltered. After high school she went to college and majored in woman's dance studies, married two weeks after graduation and married the man of her dreams three weeks after graduation to a man that sheltered her.

"Open up," shouts Tom after beating hard on the door for a full fifteen seconds. "It's payday night!"

The hapless woman answers the door with her protective weapon, her cell phone."Who's there" she asks.

"It's Dave and it's payday night," shouts Tom.

"What do you want?" asks the terrified soccer mom.

"This is a whorehouse! Whaddya think I want?" answers Tom.

"I'm calling the police!" answers  the terrified mother.

"But this is a whorehouse!" shouts Tom.

Tom hears her calling the police and bolts. He runs past the bushes where the cameraman is hidden and whispers "We got a live one!"

The cameraman scootches down a little deeper int the bush and waits. Tom runs around the house, clears the fence in the backyard and hits the street where Lou picks him up and takes him down to the next red light house. There's another cameraman in the car and they pull the same thing.

Meanwhile, at the soccer mom's house Clancy the cop shows. He's kind of tired and in a lousy mood. He was hoping for a quiet night. He knocks on the door, announces he's the police and the door flies open. He's treated to a babbling incoherent woman that is demanding to know why some nut beat on her door looking for a prostitute. She's a real mess and Clancy really doesn't want to deal with it.

The red light catches his eye. He tells her that the red light in her porch light means the place is a whorehouse.

She snaps and turns on the waterworks and really starts blubbering. "I didn't know!" she sobs. "Jane Seymour said if she wants to announce you live in a gun free house to put a red bulb in your porch light!" She's racking and sobbing. Tear the size of turds are rolling down her face. She's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  

Clancy unscrews the bulb and tells her to go back to sleep and promises he'll keep and eye out for her. He returns to his car, collects himself and in spite of his anger starts laughing himself silly.

The cameraman has caught it all and when Clancy drives off he pulls out his cell phone and two minutes later is picked yo by a suspicious looking black sedan. He  and the driver go looking for another red light. In the car is another actor soaked in cheap whiskey and practicing his lines.  

After a few trips everyone meets back at Lou's, they turn in their footage and go home. The next day a one of the guys does a little editing. He has ten different pieces of classic footage and puts them into ten different envelopes. Each one has a note to write the check to Troop 162, Boy Scouts of America and sends them off to 'America's funniest home videos'.

Three weeks later the check for ten grand first place arrives and the scouts got to go to the jamboree.

There alsoo isn't a red light in the entire town to be seen and every one of the houses that were hit is now sporting a decal in the storm door window decreeing that the house is protected by Smith&Wesson.  



To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY