Strangely enough there ended up being a lot of people that thought that was one of the coolest things they had ever seen.
It all began when I made a date with some pretty good looking chick I had met floating around downtown. She seemed OK when I met her so I asked her if she wanted to grab some ribs and see a movie. She accepted and we were to meet at the watering hole that served as my headquarters at the time.
Life then in an Alaskan town was pretty good. There were no real secrets and everyone knew everyone else's business. It was one of those rare places where you could sit between the City manager and some sheepherder type.
I once saw the chief of police walking arm in arm with the madam of the town bordello at the Buskin River Raft Race. I don't know what they were talking about but they seemed to be on pretty good terms.
Anyway my date to be showed up and we started talking over a quick drink before we went over to the rib place and it wasn't long before she brought the subject of cocaine up. It didn't take me a long time to figure out where this was going. She was simply another cokehead trying to get me to finance her habit in exchange for a little romp.
I decided to bail and looked around for some kind of excuse and saw a hooker that I had played cards with occasionally. Every Alaskan bar had a cribbage board and when things were quiet and I had nothing better to do I'd play a few games with whoever was there and as bored as I was.She played cribbage as well as anyone else.
We were on friendly terms and when I saw her, I saw my out.
I got up from my soon to be dumped date and headed straight over to her. I tuned up my best Bogart voice and said to her, "Hey, Shistah, let's take a walk. I'll make it woith your while."
She looked kind of confused for about a half-second. She knew I wasn't into hookers as a vice. She replied, "I can do that."
"Thanks, Schweethaht," I replied.
She got up and we left through the side door and headed down the mall to the bar two bars down. When we arrived I bought her her usual non alcoholic beverage and she asked what I wanted.
"I just dumped my date and I wanted to be seen leaving with you," I said. "What do I owe you?"
"We're even," she replied. "Remember when I said I wanted to talk to you about how to fix the coffee table leg? It really wasn't broken. I wanted to get away from that pig Lefty Davis."
"Cool!" I answered.
"Hey, I've got a date in about an hour or so. Can you give me a ride?" she asked.
"Sure," and we got up. We got into my pickup, I fired it up, took her home and dropped her off and laid low the rest of the evening.
The next day I returned to my bar-room headquarters. The bartender saw me and grinned. "Class act dumping your date for a hooker," he said.
"Yeah, well, my date tried..." I started.
"To get into my pocket for coke," he said, finishing it for me. "I know what happened and that was about the classiest dump-a-date I have seen. She was really humiliated over it. Plan on a horror show next time she's in."
It was late afternoon and the bar was pretty full and in walked the dumped date. She saw me and I saw the blood in her eye.
"You dumped me for a whore!" she shouted.
"Highly skilled professional hooker. Cheaper than the 8-ball you wanted to charge for what's likely pretty shoddy workmanship," I answered, dryly. The place chuckled. "Instead of a third rate quickie poke I got fully serviced and at a third of the price."
The place was now in stitches.
"You think I'm some kind of a whore?!" she demanded.
"Your price was an 8-ball of coke," I answered in a matter of fact tone. "Her's was a lot less than that."
She turned purple and stormed off.
Mary Ronstandt came up to me and sat down next to me.
"Did you dump her for Sue?" she asked.
"Nah, I just took Sue down the line a couple of doors and bought her a drink. She owed me a favor so she bailed me out and helped me ditch that little coke whore. SHE doesn't know that, though."
"That's funny!" said Mary and I knew she'd let spread the story because it was funnier yet that it was just a ruse.
I got a few drinks bought for me over the next two weeks and a lot of people grinned when they saw me.
To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY
No comments:
Post a Comment