Sunday, December 19, 2010

Today while shopping.

I hate going out this time of year, but life goes on and you still have to eat and WallyWorld still had a pretty good price on chow.

The worst part of it this particular weekend is parking. It is the last weekend before Christmas and that means wherever you go it is going to be a zoo.

I seldom go a year without some kind of confrontation over the holidays and I am smart enough to either avoid it or walk away. Drive away is more like it, as generally the confrontation is over a parkking space.

Earlier today I pulled into Wallyworld and saw a space and went for it and so did someone else. I could see clearly through his windshield that this was one of those guys so I gave him the space and as luck would have it, as he was pulling in, someone else was pulling out.

The tough guy ambled past me and as seems the way of the times, he simply could not keep his mouth shut. He HAD to say something.

"It's a good thing you didn't want to fight over the space." he said.

I looked around at him and calmly said, "I don't get into arguements over something as dopey as a parking space. Too many people carry handguns." Of course, the look I gave him along with it made it pretty loud and clear that I was carrying a hand cannon big enough to stop a tank under my coat.

His mouth snapped shut, he turned purple and left in a hurry.

Of course, I was unarmed.

I thought it was over, but it wasn't. He waited until he was out of sight and called the police.
The guy and the cop came up to me in the frozen food aisle and the guy stared blithering "That's him! That's him! He's got a gun!"

I looked at the officer and told him I was unarmed and opened my coat and asked him to pat me down if he wanted. He did, and then I turned to the officer. "What's this all about?" I asked.

The police officer looked at the guy and asked him where the gun was that I had threatened him with. The jerk was speechless for a second.

"Well," he said to the cop "He told me he had a gun."

"I said nothing of the kind," I said. "Mr Tough Guy here tried to start a confrontation with me over a parking space and I let him have the space.The only reasonable thing to do was to give it to him as I am a little too old to fight a man half my age. When he told me that it was a good thing I gave him the space, I told him that I don't get into arguements over small dopey things because too many people carry guns."

The cop looked at the guy. "Sounds like good advice," he said.

I looked at the cop. "This guy sounds like a trouble maker," I said. "Isn't this a case of someone issuing a false report?"

The cop looked at me for a second and told me I could leave. He never even checked my ID, which surprised me.  I left and ducked around a corner and found a spot where I could watch the jerk get a pretty good reprimand from the cop. 

My guess is that he told the cop I had stuffed a pistol into his face and threatened him. Now he was backpeddling pretty good, as I could plainly see.

What I said about getting into a fight over something dopey like a parking space is true. It isn't worth it because getting beat up or shot over a parking space generally means you get to spend Christmas in the ICU ward or the morgue and that is no fun.

And people ask me why I have spent the last sixteen out of twenty Christmases at sea.
On the lighter side, I was looking at a wreath yesterday and someone told me it would look good on my door.

"Door?" I replied. "Didn't you see the Martha Stewart Christmas special? I'm going to use this as a wonderful holiday toilet seat cover!"

The register guy stopped laughing just in time to ring me up and the idiot turned a very Christmas shade of red which matched his green jacket nicely.

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