Wednesday, July 8, 2015

SO I cut myself shaving and some idiot of a woman

got nosy and asked me what happened. There was something irritating in the tone of her voice. We were at a Home Depot service desk. I was returning a leftover from a project.

"I got in a knife fight," I replied.

"Oh God!" she replied.

"I was out partyin' with my mom after she won $600 in a wet T-shirt contest. We were sitting at the bar doing lines of blow together when some guy tried to grope her. I took exception, knives came out I got cut and I cut him up real good."

"Really??!!" she asked.

"Oh, yeah." I replied. Never a dull moment when I go out partyin' with my mother."

She took her return slip and walked off leaving me in front of a middle aged woman that cracked up laughing.

I think one of my better ones was right after Mom died and some nosy person that had never even met my Mom asked what she died of.

"Her parachute didn't open," I replied.

"You mother was a skydiver?" he asked.

"All her life," I replied. "She started in 1942 when she enlisted in the 82nd Airborne. She made 4 combat jumps. Of course, she was a guy at the time. After the war she had a sex change operation and shortly after that she married a former flyboy and they had me."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "Anyway, the Golden Knights-the Army skydiving team- found out she was the remaining WW2 vet still actively jumping so they offered her a HALO jump. High Altitude, Low Opening. She punched out at about 25,000 feet. Her 'chute failed and she augered in."

"Wow!" he replied. "How old was she?"

"She'd just turned 90," I answered. "It was in the news."

"I must of missed it," he said and I ambled off.

About a month later he passed me again and gave me a dirty look.

For the past couple of years I have figured that anyone stupid enough to believe something like that gets what they deserve. Lord knows I leave enough holes in the story.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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