Friday, November 20, 2009

Matchmakers are a PITA

Mrs Pic lives in one place, I live in another. This works for us and it's going to stay that way for a while. Period.
Let it go.

Enter the matchmaker. The nebby old woman that INSISTS that she has just the woman for me. The one that's had a few problems with men, but just needs the right one, meaning, of course, that she's been divorced 8 times. Then there's the one that was on TV recently. Yeah, The one that beat the shit out of her pimp on the Jerry Springer show a while back.

Then there's the one getting out of rehab for the 5th time, the one that's a great cook and weighs 600 pounds and the one thatneeds a little help with her 9 kids... you get the idea.

I don't WANT another woman, I'm married to Mrs Pic, even though she lives somewhere else.

Granted, I have a pulse and would probably look twice at some 50 year old retired Vegas showgirl hottie that owns a liquor store. I'd look.

But I simply want to be left alone.

I went so far as to take an ad out on Craigslist pleading my case. I wanted to find a woman in the same shoes that would park her car in my driveway 2 nights a week, and I would do the same for her. "Don't care what you look like, how old you are, nothing. In fact, I don't even want to MEET you, or even know what you look like."

I was astonished to find my inbox STUFFED inside of a few hours.

I didn't have anyone park in the driveway, though. I didn't want to embarrass Mrs Pic, but for a while I parked my car in one of the respondent's driveway a few times. She would leave me things like beer or home made food in return. After a while, she found a co worker that needed a place to park on weekends, so that ended that.

Now, womwn have the same problem, maybe worse so." He's a really nice guy. He really didn't mean to set that stripper on fire and stab her 32 times. He was just coked up at the time. Besides, she had it coming. She gave him an incurable STD, but I KNOW you'd be the perfect couple!"

I was considering returning to Craigslist to find someone to drive past the old bag's place with me in the Miata, and I really didn't care who just as long as she would look good enough to get the nebshit off my back.

Age unimportant. Actually even sex was unimportant. A passable cross dresser or tranny dolled up would have been just fine. I just wanted the nebby old bag to see me with someone female so she'd quit the game.

I mentioned his to a neighbor, and she told me that she might be able to help out.


Saturday, her 22 year old daughter saw me in the front yard. She was in her car, going somewhere.

"Mom told me," she said. "Want to take me for a ride with the top down?"

I looked at her thoughtfully. "She'd recognize you."

"No, she won't. I'll be a blond."

I handed her some cash. "Get what you need."

A couple hours later there was a knock on the door, and there was Didi, a blond with big eyelashes and an amply filled out low necked sweater. We got into the Miata and drove off.

We got lucky.Shirley was in her yard and saw us as we drove by.

We went home and I dropped her off. A problem. Her mother had forgotten to tell her father, who demanded an explaination as to what the hell was going on. Her mother came out and got us both off the hook.

He looked somewhat dubious. so I looked at him and indignantly told him, "It took me a lot of money to make your daughter look this cheap!"

The mother, who was drinking coffee snarfed, obviously amused, Didi laughed outright and the red-faced father recovered.


The nebby old matchmaker left me alone

Mrs Pic got wind of this little stunt and confronted me.

I told her everything and found out that SHE was having the SAME problem with the SAME nebshit woman!

Mrs Pic had thought of having a male coworker that owned a convertible do the same damned thing.

The following weekend, Mrs Pic came by and we drove past the nebby old bags house wearing Didi's wig.

Half an hour later, I was in a suit and tie seen in Mrs Pic's car.

Mrs Pic reported to me that everything is now all right.


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