I almost went and coughed up the

money for an intrinsically safe cell phone a while ago and then changed my mind.

It is both illegal and unsafe to use a cell phone on the deck of any tank vessel unless it is intrinsically safe. If I had one that was intrinsically safe I could use it outside on deck and have better reception because the house is made of steel and it makes reception spotty. It would make calling home a little nicer.

What changed my mind is that first of all, someone a bit up the food chain would see me using it and jump to conclusions that I was doing something unsafe and I'd have to explain that the phone is safe to use on deck.

He'd still forbid me to use it with very good reason.

Some jerk would see me using it and figure that if it was OK for me to use mine on deck than it was OK for him to use the cell phone he bought at K-Mart for ten bucks and that WOULD create an unsafe situation.

I swear I have to keep my eyes open at all times for stupid people every time I use an intrinsically safe flashlight on deck because some buffoon might see it and decide that it was OK for him to look in tanks full of gasoline using a Tiki torch.

It is for that reason that on sunny days I use a mirror to look into tanks when the sun is out. I have to set an example.

Well we're at it, there seems to be a group out there that are sadly misinformed over the legality of not answering a cell phone when it rings. They seem to think that it is a major Federal offense not to answer the damned thing when it goes off.

"Hey Joe, don't expect to see Tom for a while."

"Why's that?"

"He's in Joliet pulling two to five for failure to answer his cell phone."

No, this is not going to happen. You are not going to go to jail of you don't answer the damned thing. If you have half a brain you will know that YOU bought that damned thing for YOUR convenience.

On the other hand, there are a number of mostly younger men out here that are married to women that consider it a major emergency when the cap on the milk bottle gets stuck and if hubby doesn't answer the damned phone when she calls she will consider that as proof positive that hubby is in a whorehouse somewhere because he no longer loves her.

These poor bastards are screwed, or at least they are until they sit their wife down and explain that they have no intention of leaving everything they have worked to and earned to some guy that is too cheap to buy a watch so that he can spend it all on hookers and blow.

What's that? Leave everything to some guy that can't afford a watch?

Yup. Here's the way that one plays down. Joe sailorman gets killed and the wife collects the insurance money and cries a few tears. A few months later she goes to the mall and some guy asks her what time it is. They start a conversation which leads to a cup of coffee at the kiosk which leads to dating and a remarriage.

They grow old together and she dies and he inherits everything and in his grief consoles himself with a prostitute who brings cocaine with her which she shares. He then buys cocaine and her services again and goes through all of the money he inherited. The bottom line shows up.

The bottom line is that you have done something stupid and lost your life and as a direct result you have given everything you have accumulated in life to some guy that can't even afford a watch so that he can piddle it away on hookers and blow.

That's when you tell the little woman that she had better get used to having a phone go unanswered.

Of course, explaining that to some guys can get difficult and as usual it means we are back to dumbing down things which I hate but simply have to live with. This is simply because the do-gooders in this world won't permit true Darwinism to reign.

Then again, the anti-Darwinists DO have a point. Often when someone does something stupid he takes good people with him. If it were not for the fact that an idiot with a cell phone on deck can destroy an entire integrated unit and kill the entire crew I would be SCREAMING to let Darwinism take it's course.

Several years ago when cell phones got inexpensive and every seagoing janitor, myself included, went out and bought one. Shortly thereafter I had to go to a class on sensitivity training and lo and behold part of the classes were on getting guys not not use cell phones on deck.

I got chosen to be one of the role players and when the person supposidly walking up the gangway while yakking on his phone approached me I humorlessly reached up and snatched it and mimed throwing it over the side.

"Splash!" I said, ending it then and there.

The instructor was aghast. He started in on me and I interrupted.

"You are facing an entire roomful of men, all of whom have lost responsibilities, privliges and nicities because of the irresponsible conduct of others. Now you are adding to this by asking us to risk out lives and millions of dollars worth off machinery in order not to offend someone that should simply be shot," I said. "Shot, as in dead."

Cheers erupted from the guys

"Don't you think that's a little harsh?" he asked.

"Let's put it this way," I answered. "Some dumbass does something stupid and kills your wife and kids. Not someone else's, but yours. When you find out that the guy was out on parole at the time after his 6th offense are you going to run out and defend the guy? I sort of doubt it. It's easy to defend someone that hasn't harmed you personally. Let's face it, most of us are just plain sick and tired of having to pay someone else's bills by having things dumbed down or having people make poor excuses for worse behavior."

One of the people in the class said, "You tell 'em, Pic!"

I turned to the man, "Another Darwin candidate heard from," I said. "The man that got drunk and tore up a hotel room and ruined it for the rest of us. The only reason you are alive today is because it is illegal to shoot you."

A lot of people started looking at the guy in a new light. It wasn't too pretty. After class he found he didn't have too many friends. As for me, I'm surprised I didn't get booted out.

I guess I had better get used to it, though. I'm not going to be able to use an intrinsically safe cell phone on deck, so I guess I'm just glad I didn't buy one. It wouldn't have made my ife any easier. It just would have started trouble.



my other blog is: http://officerpiccolo.blogspot.com/ http://piccolosbutler.blogspot.com/