Saturday, February 23, 2013

One of the things I sometimes

 do to the young bucks out here is feed them a bunch of hoople about what I did on my time off.

I'm 61 years old and I show it, yet there is nothing as much fun as watching the face of some kid in his late teens or early twenties when I tell him that I woke up as sick as a dog in a cheap motel covered with glitter and stinking of cheap perfume next to a stripper I picked up at the Kit Kat club.

Of course, everyone else knows it's a bunch of crap and afterwards they chew me out for making them keep a straight face while I am feeding the kid a line of bull$hit a mile long but they are laughing when they chew me out.

This actually goes back to my army days when some of the single guys would brag about their sexual exploits and I would respond with something totally wild and outrageous. Generally it would involve some non-existant depravty like sticking my wife's head in a gas oven and taking advantage of the resulting spasms as she passed out or some other sick, twisted crap.

What was funny about this is that I would often come home and tell my wife. The first couple of times she would get annoyed and tell me that it wasn't funny but after a while she started doing pretty much the same thing to her coworkers.

Why not? Some things are really nobody's business but it is a lot of fun feeding them something outrageous. If they are stupid enough to believe it, it's their problem.

Once I decided that because it was an election month that I was going to run for mayor in the small town I lived in. I got some support in the form of a 20 year old Caddy convertable, a friend that had some time off and his cousin, a woman built like Jessica Rabbit. A lot of fishermen contributed to my campaign by keeping my whiskey glass full.

The woman was about a head taller than I am in her stocking feet so we put her in 5 inch spikes and poured her into a dress that would make a stripper blush and off we went for a week of campaigning through the downtown bars.

It was fun being seen all over town with a glass of scotch in one hand and what appeared to be a World Class bimbo draped on my arm. A lot of other people were amused, too. Most everyone in town that had half of a brain knew it was a spoof.

The town had a small radio station and as I was driving past it the DJ made a comment that he would like to interview me so my driver whipped a U turn and we walked in.

He interviewed me on my outrageous platform of laying off most of the city employees to save money and letting certain streets fo unrepaired so as to make them self-speed limiting and a bunch of other stuff.

I also promised the taxpayers that all I would steal was enough money so I could winter in a cheap motel in St. Croix.

Then the DJ opened the phones and the first caller was a self-rightous preacher that wanted to know what my relationship was with 'That Woman'.

"She's some totally knockout bimbo I picked up in a St. Croix strip club," I shot back. "And she can match or better every nasty trick I have ever seen in any porn movie ever made up to and including 'Deep Throat'. She batter stay that way or else I'll ditch her and get another just like her!"

My moll looked delighted to hear that and had one hell of a hard time not laughing loud enough to be picked up by the microphone. She left the room for a while to keep from ruining things.

The preacher was speechless so the DJ hung up.

The next call was from a tongue in cheek supporter and we had fun with their questions before the DJ had to get back to the regularly scheduled program.

The truth of the matter is the woman was a math major of some sort with a serious theatrical bent. She was a very talented actress with an outrageously ribald sense of humor. While she was exceedingly intelligent, she really belonged on the stage.

Anyway, back to the kid I spun the yarn to.

He believed every word because a while ago there was a guy working out here that I knew back in the old days that told a couple of people some of the stuff we used to pull back then.

As for the election, everybody knew I wasn't even on the ballot but I did make the candidates that were running for office pretty nervous because I drew more attention then they did.

Although it has probably been almost four decades since I have done anything truly outrageous it's kind of fun getting a kid wound up and believing that at 61 I'm still raising more hell drinking and chasing strippers at my age than he has ever done in his life.

Eventually the kid will figure out he's been taken and feel stupid for a bit. Still, it'll make him a little less likely to believe anything someone tells him. This skill will help him come election time when he has to choose a candidate.

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