Monday, December 8, 2014

Ahh, thinking of buying a toilet seat cover, I see

said the woman at Lowe's yesterday as I was looking at a wreath.

She was the woman that was there last year when some woman asked me if I was going to hang the wreath I was looking at on my door. I told the woman I was using it as a toilet seat because I had seen it on the Martha Stewart Christmas special.

That woman is funny.

Christmas has officially started as far as I can see. I've already been ripped off. 

I left a printer box on the lid of my pickup and went up a nearby hill with a thermos, stool and binoculars to watch. It took maybe 35 or 40 minutes but someone pulled up, snatched it, threw it into their car and took off. It's an annual event and there wasn't a printer in the box. It contained the usual bag of rotten fish.

Yesterday I was in a parking lot and was leaving. I was going to an address so I decided to punch it into my GPS. I realized I was blocking traffic so I pulled into a parking space oblivious that it was reserved for new mothers. No biggie, as I was only going to be there for less than a minute.

Being Pittsburgh, the maternity police showed up and he said I was parking in a maternity spot.

I pulled my fedora down a bit and gave him a hard look.

"Tell it to my parole officer," I said.

That ended the conversation then and there. It's a good line and I will use it from time to time.

A few years back I was humming a tune when I walked into a 7-11 and some nebby little guy asked me why I was in such a good mood. I told her in my best Joisey thug accent, "I just got outta da joint."

Stupid is as stupid does. He asked me what I had done.

"I stabbed some nosy jerk that asked me too many personal questions," I replied.

The cop standing on the other aisle fixing his coffee laughed outright and the guy walked off in a huff.

Christmas season has started and it looks like I will survive it.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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