Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Here's to dumb asses.

I used to hate them until I realized God put them on earth to entertain me.

My most recent being the youngster listening in on a friend and myself. We were talking about tipping waitresses at a regular place we eat breakfast. He also mentioned that hairdressers and cab drivers were traditionally tipped.

The kid said, "Cab drivers, huh?"

"Yeah," I said.  "Cops, too. Every time I get arrested I always give the cop $3 if he opens the door and keeps me from hitting my head on the door frame." I made getting busted sound like a weekly occurrence.

My pal looked at me. "Yeah, Three bucks sounds about right. That's what I generally give him if I don't get my head banged."

Hook, line and sinker. I imagine if this kid ever gets arrested he's gonna hand the cop $3 and I'd love to see that show.

One of my favorite dumb asses one time said, "Hey, I hear you sailor guys really party when you get off the boat."

"Yeah," I replied. "The hooker that meets me in the parking lot generally brings me a fifth of Jack, a half-rack of Stella Artois, an 8-ball or two of coke, some reds, six or eight Quaaludes, ten or twelve tooies, five or six hits of acid, a couple of peyote buttons and maybe 10 or twelve joints...oh, yeah. Some meth to keep me from passing out while I drive home. If I do any more than that I need a designated driver."

"Really?" he asked. "You know, I have a friend that can get you into rehab."

"Rehab is for quitters," I replied and walked off leaving him stunned.

Rehab? It would be more like a trip straight to the coroner's. That's enough stuff to kill a number of elephants, much less one skinny old sailorman.

Does it ever occur to anyone that I am regularly tested for drugs and that a DUI will stop my career cold? Does it ever occur to anyone that the Coast Guard checks my criminal record every time I renew my ticket?

I guess not.

Thank you, God for providing me with so many dumb asses and so much entertainment. It seems I seldom fail to go off to sleep laughing.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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