More stuff my butler said

I know we have been keeping much of out sustenance in the Johnston freezer located in their storage shed. I heard they were leaving town for a few weeks and asked Mrs. Johnston for a key to use in their absence. She said you have been entering the shed for years without one. I would be grateful if you showed me how, as none of the numerous schools I have attended have offered a course in burglary.
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Sir, I wish you had simply explained to me that the “Lefty’ chap lives remotely in a small cabin out in Chitka as opposed to that term you used. I just spent two hours in the public library poring over every detailed map of Egypt they had looking for that place, but to no avail. When I asked the librarian, she giggled. It was most embarrassing.
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Unfortunately, Sir, my proper British education did not include watching every single episode of ‘The Three Stooges’, so I have no idea whatsoever of what you mean by “We all put the yeast in”.
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I spoke with a character named ‘Blaine’ today. He said you were expecting him this evening for dinner. Will the salmon you snagged in the river this morning suffice? Or is this a distinguished visitor? If he is, I would be most happy to run to the market and get a package of hot dogs to go with the beans and beer and leftover potato salad, Sir.
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Sir, what do you mean by “Grab an emergency brake?” I see no such thing. The only thing I see over there is a large stone…………Oh…..and which wheel should I place it behind, Sir?
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Sir, you could make my job a lot easier if you could provide me a list of distinguished guests that are permitted to, as you so colorfully put it, ‘Crash out here when they ain’t fishin’. I was quite startled to enter the home and find that ‘Doc’ character fast asleep in the upper berth…While I’m thinking about it, how did the refrigerator get full of beer? … Oh. Now I see why Doc is on your MOST distinguished guest list.
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A P-38, you call it? It opens cans? It most certainly does! Why, this thing is quite remarkable! Why, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it can also do quite a number of other things.
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I’m certainly glad your health issues can be corrected with a simple shot of penicillin, Sir.
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I took it upon myself to collect your gambling winnings from that McAdams chap, Sir.
No, I did not make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I loathe that term. It sounds, well, Sir, it sounds, well…well a bit too Italian for my tastes. I simply appealed to his higher sense of being. In this case I chose to discuss his future health. I put that rusted piece of steel back in the bed of the pickup afterwards. I must confess I have learned a lot from you.

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I must confess that sometimes I feel I am working for a man named Phineas and that the two of us left England in a hot air balloon.

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A most extraordinary thing just happened to me. That little savage that sits in front of the liquor store all day addressed me by my Christian name instead of calling me ‘Piccolo’s Limey Butler’. He also looks like he had a dreadful accident….Oh, dear! It looks like you have hurt your hand.

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Sir, one of your card playing cronies said that ‘A Smith and Wesson beats four aces’. I am quite unfamiliar with that term….Oh… That’s a Smith and Wesson? My, it certainly DOES beat four aces, now, doesn’t it?

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What a most interesting beverage…You say he MADE this? Why, it’s extraordinary! I can also most certainly see why he told me not to smoke for at least a half-hour after imbibing.
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Blaine asked you to remove his vehicle from the fisherman’s parking lot while he was at sea, Sir. When I asked him for the keys, he said that you would know what to do… You want the wire with the two alligator clips and the screwdriver? Right here, Sir.
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Sir, is this a felony or a misdemeanor?

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Sir, I am in no way going to ‘keep my mouth shut’ as you have so succinctly put it. However you can rest assured that as a properly trained butler I am the epitome of the word ‘discreet’. Mum’s the word.

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When I was learning how to keep a clients daily affairs in order, they failed to tell me that it might include such things as keeping a schedule of which liquor stores have a delivery on which date so my client can help unload the truck and earn a case of beer.

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Your clothes are laid out, Sir and the coffee is fresh. I summoned you early so you can get down to the Ship’s Wheel on time to “swamp out’ the tap room and take advantage of the most generous offer of the proprietor. Twenty dollars for forty-five minutes work is a financial opportunity to be seized, Sir!

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That recent divorcée you have been seeing seems to have done a world of good for you, Sir. This month you have saved a fortune of expenditure at the gentleman’s club, your drinking seems to be at quite a low and your masturbation has dropped off considerably.

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Sir, This Boone’s Farm is the perfect compliment for this lunch. It has the proper nose, a well matching bouquet, a complimentary body to accompany lunch, and it will comingle quite nicely with the grease of this cheeseburger.

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Sir, is that a firearm of some sorts that is being pointed at us?
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That rather large chap over there, the one in the blue shirt that has been staring at you for quite a while, has just placed his dentures and wristwatch in his shirt pocket and has buttoned the flap securely. He is presently rolling up his sleeves. Does this mean trouble, Sir?

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Sir, I opened the door of the pickup and I saw immediately that Blaine character was sleeping in it. I did notice the strong odor of alcohol. Does this mean we hitch-hike downtown?

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You what? Why, that’s totally scandalous. On the other hand, I have grown quite used to this sort of thing over the past eight months.

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I suppose that getting caught is not an option, is it, Sir?

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Sir, when you managed to have us thrown in jail last night, I was seriously considering going back home to England, but I must confess that it was most clever of you. It was the perfect alibi.

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Why does it smell like petrol in here? Oh, I see, you’ve cleaned the grease off the table.
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