The letter

Back when I was in my teens there were a couple of self-appointed big shot neighbors that were getting 'into politics'. What a joke!

I remember one of the neighbors got himself a FOUR DIGIT license plate as a reward for his efforts. He bragged to me that people with four digit license plates didn't get stopped by the police too often because it meant the owner 'knew someone'.

Big deal. I asked my dad about it and he was funny. When I mentioned it to him he laughed and said that there were quite a number of policemen that looked at poeple like that as pelts to be collected. He mentioned that a certain officer used to put tickets that looked like they were going to be fixed on the Registrar's desk and say "Here, fix this!"

Anyway, I thought about it and I think this is what made me think about smoke and mirrors.

It was an election year and I went to the campaign headquarters of both candidates and had quiet words with one of the big cheeses about how all my dad did was pay taxes and work and had to listen to a bunch of crap from some idiot wannabes.

I was wearing a jacket and tie at the time and back then when a young person showed up dressed that way, adults took notice.

The long and short of it is that I wound up with signed letters from both candidates authorizing my mother to "Purchase milk in quart, half gallon and gallon sized containers from the vendor of her choice during business hours"

Of course, the letter meant nothing. It still doesn't.

Immediately after the election I threw the loser's letter away and gave the winner's to my dad who read it and said, "Yeah? Big dea....Wait a minute. Can I have this?"

I gave it to dad and the next time there was a local gathering he brought the letter with him and showed it to a couple of key players. Several of them were concerned and wondered who my father knew that would get the governor-elect to give my mom special permission to buy milk.

I was there and kept mum and watched the interaction and the guy with the four digit license plate who had campaigned for the loser looked a bit sullen over the fact that my dad had the letter. He had a couple of kids and probably wondered how he was going to be able to buy them milk because he didn't have a letter.

It was pretty funny to watch. Of course there were a few people that figured it out and kept to themselves, but I was surprised at the number of people that got all bent out of shape over nothing. After all, ANYBODY could buy as much milk as they wanted, any time they wanted.

Still, when they saw the letter they percieved problems in the future over the simple purchase of a common commodity. Some of the mothers actually asked my mom if she would purchase milk for them with her letter.

Anyway, that was the first time I pulled a smoke and mirror trick and it was not to be the last.

Recently I had a small headache with the idiot nearby that seems to have been making a career out of being a complainer over every little thing. When Bob told her I had a ham ticket she complained that I was going to put up a tower (I'm not) and that the transmitter would ruin her TV and phone service. Of course, it won't.

She complained a couple of times before I even got my rig and made a fool out of herself, but she didn't quit. I could just tell her to pound sand as FCC regs state that all commo gear sold in the US must have te appropriate filters installed to prevent this, but I chose anoter tack.

I simply threw my idea to write a fancy letter out on a forum and boy, did I get results!

One guy created a very official looking watermark from an old WW2 patch, I wrote a vague letter and a couple of other people edited it and tuned up the appendix that I wrote to accompany it. A few keystrokes, a little cut and paste and a final click and I had a very impressive letter that said absolutely nothing, complete with 'Appendix C', the latter being a list of things I am authorized to do.

I printed it up and had Neighbor Bob 'steal' it and show it to her.

She read it wide-eyed, holding the letter in one hand with her other hand covering her wide open mouth.

Here is Appendix C.

Appendix C
1. You are requested to monitor 2182 KHz while ashore. Distress calls of any nature from
any vessel are to be reported to the appropriate agencies immediately.

2. You will NOT be permitted the use of alcoholic beverages while on duty.

3. You are permitted to routinely broadcast at any time on the appropriate frequencies on
the following bands: 160, 80, 60, 40, 20, 17, 15, 10, 6, 2, and .7 meters. Communication
with the International Space Station (ISS) is APPROVED for use on the appropriate
frequencies. In emergency situations involving life or property you are authorized to use
any form of radio or telephone communications at your disposal.

4. Erection of a transmitting tower up to 200 feet above ground level is APPROVED.
This approval supersedes any state or local planning, zoning and building codes.

5. Transmission on any of the following modes is APPROVED at any time: CW, AM,
USB, LSB, Packet Radio, PSK 31, RTTY, and others.

6. The use of civilian, military or military-type radio equipment, current issue or surplus
is APPROVED so long as it is used with current Amateur radio practices. The use of
portable and mobile forms of lawful radio communications is APPROVED.

7. You are authorized the purchase of service rifles from the Director of Civilian
Marksmanship at current prices. You are also authorized to train American seamen in the
proper use of these rifles in accordance with applicable laws.

8. The possession of automatic weapons and destructive devices under the appropriate
NFA rules is AUTHORIZED.

9. Your transmitters are limited to 1500 watts of power and must be used in accordance
with current Amateur radio practices.

10. The use of any force necessary, including deadly force is to prevent the boarding of a
US vessel from piracy attack while at sea is AUTHORIZED.

11. Any information regarding the Anti-Piracy Task Force is FOR OFFICIAL USE
ONLY and to be considered not for public dissemination. Secure all information in a safe
place. You are not permitted to make any statements about your status, public or private
to any unauthorized individual or individuals.


All of these are simply a list of things any licensed ham over the age of 21 with a clean record is authorized to do. It is nothing more than a letter authorizing one to buy milk or authorization to drive 30 mph in a 30 mph zone.

As for part 11, it probably got Bob an Academy Award nomination. When she read it, Bob turned on the 'Leave it to Beaver' innocence and looked at her wide-eyed and said, "Gee! I wonder if this is one of those things that if you find out about it, they have to kill you?"





my other blog is: http://officerpiccolo.blogspot.com/ http://piccolosbutler.blogspot.com/