Wednesday, August 31, 2016

There is nothing like a great morning of telling people to go piss up a rope.

The other evening I got in from sea dog tired, had two beers and laid down on the couch with the cat. It is good having a cat because the cat will let you sleep when you crash out like that.

Wives make you wake up, take a shower and go and sleep in a real bed. Old school sailors like me can sleep just about anywhere and feel just as rested as if I had slept at the Ritz.

In fact, I sleep on a couch better than at the Ritz because I hate starched sheets. I hit the couch with a warm, fuzzy blanket which works. Truth is I can sleep like a baby nude covered with a wool GI blanket. It don’t mean NOTHIN’.

I woke up greasy and my second need was a shower, my first was coffee. I got up and instead of brewing a pot hopped into the pickup and rolled off to the local convenience store.

As I got out of the truck someone walked up to me and demanded to know why there is a ‘minister’ sticker in my window.

Most of you know I am an ordained Universal Life Minister for reasons I have previously explained. Instead of asking politely this clown was demanding. He pushed, I pushed back.

“Because I’m a f***ing ordained minister, A$$hole!” I answered.

He decided that it would be smart to drop the issue and wandered off in shock. I felt pretty smug about myself and started to hum a tune as I wandered into the store.

I spotted a cop from the next town over that I had met before and nodded. He returned the nod with a nod and a smile. I had entertained him before several years ago. It was a classic and the story still pops up every so often.

Anyway, some woman whacked out on mood elevators heard me humming. I took one look at her and cringed. She was nosy and I knew it. She proved me right a second or two later.

“My! You are awful cheerful today! What are you so cheerful about?”

I plugged in my ‘Jersey thug/Blues Brothers module and replied, “Cause I just got outta da joint!”
The poor cop snarfed. I felt bad. He was probably going to have to run home and change his uniform. But he wasn’t angry. This was a big plus. Instead he put his coffee down and watched to see where this was going. He was smirking.

You would think that anyone with half a brain would have dropped it then and there but this woman didn’t have half of a brain.

“What were you in prison for?” she asked.

“Ah, some dumb brawd stahted askin’ me a buncha nosy questions so I stuck her inna ear wit an ice pick,” I replied.

The cop had to put his hand over his mouth to keep from busting up and the clerk did the same thing. The woman looked indignant and quietly paid for her stuff and fled. I wandered over to the coffee station, grabbed a cup and started toward the register.

“That coffee is on me,” said the very amused clerk.

The cop with the ruined uniform came up to me.

“Pic, when I saw you come in I knew I should have put my coffee down,” he said. “This mess is my own damned fault. I should have known better.”

Not a bad way the start the day.

I put two idiots in their place, made a couple people laugh and got a free cup of Joe.

Twenty minutes later I was in the shower and started coming around from a long, hard tour.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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