I said I was retired.
Not wanting to get into the usual plethoria of questions that go with telling someone you are a professional mariner, I told them that at an early age I had embarked on a life of crime. Same difference, really.
"How'd that work out," he asked, rather dubiously.
"Rather well," I said. "I found something that fit me early on. I've made a good living at it and have made more than most college graduates. It all started with the lemonade stand I opened when I was eight. It was unlicensed, uninspected and I paid no taxes, a true All American criminal enterprise. Kinda like how Al Capone got started only I was younger. Al sold untaxed booze and I sold untaxed lemonade. Same difference."
He grew wary. "You were not selling drugs to teenagers, were you?" he asked.
"Absolutely not," I replied. "You don't sell drugs to teenagers, you buy them from teenagers for resale to senior citizens. The Northside dealers always cheat seniors so you go through a teenager to make sure you get the quality stuff for resale to seniors at the Senior Center."
"As a criminal how much time did you spend in jail?" he asked in a rather snooty tone.
"None," I replied. "Jails are for unsuccessful criminals. I have been very succcessful as a professional criminal. I have never even been charged with a crime. In fact most of my crimes have been perfect crimes where nobody even knows a crime has even been committed."
"Like what?" he asked.
"And have you run down the the police station and rat me out?" I shot back. "No way in hell!"
He had his credit card out for a purchase and I noted his first name. His last was covered by a finger. He blushed and started to walk off.
"See ya later, Ray," I said and he got very nervous when I addressed him by his name that he had never given me and he quickly walked away.
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The other thing I say I am retired from sometimes is "43 years of writing and directing midget porn movies and videos."
If I choose the right person they get very uncomfortable.
I've posted about that one before.
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