Wednesday, February 15, 2012

crack a beer and veg out for prostate cancer

Veg out for prostate cancer (or drug abuse or homelessness or whatever)

The other day someone asked me to sponser them to take a 20 mile hike against hunger.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why all the sweat to raise money? You have to go out and take a 20 mile hike to nowhere and get all sweaty and accomplish nothing.

You are generally sponsered by the mile and if you only make it, say, 10 miles you only get paid for 10 miles.

The whole thing makes no sense to me. I would rather pay someone to sit on their ass for a day and do something constructive even if it is to produce empty beer cans for recycling. That makes sense to me.

Figuring a pace of about a mile in 20 minutes it would take a person about 7 hours to cover 20 miles. It makes sense to do this and save the taxpayers a few bucks because the city would not have to cough up a bunch of money for police overtime to patrol the event.

Now there would have to be special rules for a non-march against whatever. You would have to stay home and not go out and use the time shopping or something like that. You would have to dedicate the entire seven hours to doing something that costs the taxpayer nothing but is constructive but not work related.

The only walking you could do is to amble to the refrigerator and mosey over to the bathroom and that's about it. You could meditate, masturbate, surf the web, write letters, and still make money for your special cause.

All in all this sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

My sister went on a march against hunger a while ago and I sponsored her for a few bucks. The next time she does something like this I am going to offer her twice of what I sponsored her the last time simply to stay at home.

I ran this by a shipmate of mine and his responce was, "Sit back and crack a beer for prostate cancer."

Sounds good to me.

Another thing I find that is backwards are parades on Veteran's Day.

Veterans organizations get together and send a busload of veterans that absolutely hated road marches to go out on yet another several mile road march and sweat their ass off and get all stiff and sore.

As a young Boy Scout I once heard an old timer that went over the top with Blackjack Pershing comment that if he had known that twice a year he would wind up on road marches for the rest of his life he would never have enlisted to go to France in the first place. It took a few years but eventually I learned why he said that because I had to hump the receiver of a Browning M-2 for quite a few miles. An M-60 was a piece of cake.

What they ought to do is make everyone else march and let the veterans sit on lawn chairs and kick back to watch the dog and pony show. The comments among the veterans would be priceless.

"Hey, here's the fatties from the Jenny Craig program, guys! Let's watch those porkers sweat like pigs!"

"I can't wait for the 4-Fs and draft dodgers to pass by, says another. This year I brought six dozen eggs to help you Vietnam guys out. I'll help you get your pound of flesh!"

"Hey, the high school band is doing a pretty good job this year. Anyone got a spare beer? I ran out."

"Last year I went all the way to Atlanta to watch Jane Fonda march. I really pasted good her with a couple of tomatoes I bought in August and saved up especially for that one!"


"Yeah. Gave her a pretty good egg shampoo on top of the tomatoes."

"That fixed her. Bet she doesn't go to Kabul to crap on the guys we got over there this time."

The Boy Scouts pass by carrying the flag and everyone in the audience rises and salutes or puts their hat over their heart.

"Good kids," says a veteran. "They'll be here with us in about 8 or 10 years."

"They will after he sees what we do to Barry Montgomery, the little runaway. He split to Canada until Jimmy Carter let him back. He'll be passing by soon."

'We'll fix that guy," says another, checking his supply of beer, rotten tomatoes and rotten eggs. He hefts a particularly over ripe tomato. "Here's the one I've been saving for Old Barry Montgomery."

Of course, unless he is a veteran, the Washington DC Veterans Day parade is to be led by the President of the United States. It the President is a veteran he gets to grab a beer and sit with the boys. The press isn't to be allowed within 500 yards of him so he can enjoy the dog and pony show with the rest of the guys and not hear about it in the news the following day.

I don't know how you readers feel about this but it sounds pretty good to me.

I did my road marches. Now I want to sit on my ass and watch the rest of the world walk by as I have a beer.

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