Sunday, February 5, 2012

Piccolo meets a little old lady.

While I was boat shopping I was in the bread aisle and this little old lady in her 80s was having a hard time putting a loaf of bread back on the shelf.

"That's too much money," she said. (it was)

I put it back for her and she commented on how expensive things have gotten for people on fixed incomes. She gave me a sad look. "I won't be able to help my granddaughter out anymore," she said. "I wonder what I'm going to tell them."

I looked at here and smirked. "Tell them your pregnant and need the money to raise your new child," I said, with an evil grin. "When they tell you they do not believe you simply tell them that it's your story and you're sticking to it."

The look she gave was priceless. The woman was one of the World War 2 generation and raised her kids during the 'Leave it to Beaver' days. She looked a bit shocked but recovered.

"My husband would have a fit if I told the granddaughter such a thing," she said and then suddenly erupted into laughter.

I then told her what I had done at Lowe's the other day with a nosy woman and she treated me to more laughter. She wanted to know what the nebby woman did and I told her. She laughed herself silly.

"Here's what you do," I explained. "Tell them he came home from a bachelor party all drunk up and thought he was 20 again and knocked you up like a cheerleader! Tell them 'You can blame you father for putting me in a family way and giving you a great aunt that is going to be 25 years younger than you are!'"

She laughed. "But he hasn't had a drink in years," she said.

"That makes for an even better story, yet!" I replied.

"But what is going to happen when my granddaughter starts questioning him?" she asked. "He''ll be furious."

'He'll probably look sheepish and grin like an idiot, which is what all men do when asked about things like that. Just because he is a little older doesn't change the fact that he is a man and that is what men do in cases like that."

"I believe you're right." she said. 'He WILL grin like an idiot."

"Listen, you two have been married for as long as you have and you can't tell me there haven't been surprises in your marriage," I said. "Maybe a nice surprise is just what the doctor ordered."

She looked at me thoughtfully for a minute or two and then a truly evil look came over the old woman's face. It lit up and turned delightfully devilish.

For some reason the look was one I always wanted to see on TV but never got to. Back in those days the TV people didn't have the nerve.

She reminded me of June Cleaver, having just snapped after having gotten yet another call from school--the one that finally put her over the edge. She is sitting there with a big, satisfying evil smile slowly honing a butcher knife as she is looking forward to a nice satisfying time of hacking the Beav up when he gets home from class.

I wandered off with a self satisfied grin look as I wondered what kind of monster I had just created.

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