Sunday, September 9, 2012

The lawn sheriff. Another self-appointed idiot.

I am thinking of looking for a goat to borrow to shut the old man down the street up.

He is retired and six days older than dirt and has nothing better to do than mow his goddamned lawn three or four times a week. I mow mine as needed. It may be every four or five days when it is growing fast or maybe every week or ten days when the growth rate slows down. I simply keep it neat and presentable which is all anybody else around here does, except the old guy.

When I am at sea one of the neighbors gets it when starts to look shabby. In return they generally pour themselves a drink or two out of the bottle of hootch I keep under the porch which I keep there just for that reason.

Anyway, the old man saw me out in the yard while he was taking a walk and asked me why I don't mow my lawn thrice weekly like he does. Of course, I told him that I had better things to do and I guess that started him going.

He told me how nice things would look and how it would improve the neighborhood and how it's such a damned shame how everyone in the neighborhood doesn't take the pride that he does.

I was just about ready to tell him that maybe he ought to fnd something to do with his life that was a little more useful to society like maybe drinking or keeping the economy going by dropping in at the Kit Kat club once in a while but I decided to take a different tack.

"I live a pretty busy lifestyle," I said. "Maybe I ought to just get a couple of goats."

"Goats?" he asked.

"Yeah, goats." I replied. "Goats do a pretty good job of keeping a lawn mowed and they also keep children off of the lawn because because children are afraid of them. Besides, they do not pollute the air with gasoline exhaust like you do several time a week with that lawn mower you use. They are 100% organic and do not use up precious resources."

"But they poop on the lawn," he protested.

'Which you simply spread out with a rake and it fertilizes the lawn and makes the grass healthier," I reponded. "That's a pretty good idea. Thanks. I'm going to have to look into that and seee about getting a couple of goats. I'll have a better lawn than you and won't have to bust my ass mowing it all the time."

"You can't do that!" he said, angrily.

"The hell I can't," I shot back. "Show me where it says I can't have a couple of 100% organic powered lawn mower/ fertilizer spreaders. If something is not against the law I can do it."

"You can't farm in this neighborhood," he protested.

"It isn't farming. It's lawn maintenance," I answered.

"We'll see about that," he answered angrily.

"Who's this 'we', Kemo Sabe? You got a mouse in your pocket? While you are wasting your time telling me how to mow my lawn, I answered, "How about you doing something constructive with your life and instead of being the lawn sheriff of the neighborhood. How's about doing something useful like going to the hospital and volunteering a little time helping out. You're in good enough shape to push a wheelchair around and help out instead of being a pain in the ass. Hell, buy yourself a case of beer and drink or hang out at the Kit Kat club and put dollars in g-strings for all I care. Do something even if it's wrong. Just leave the rest of us alone. Stick around. I'm going inside to get you an egg."

"What are you getting an egg for? he asked. He was still a bit angry.

"So you can put it in your shoe and beat it."

He left in a huff.

I am thinking of putting an ad in Craigslist looking to borrow a couple of goats for a few days just to give him something to cry about. The wailing and gnashing of teeth would be something to behold and when I return them the relief he would express would make him so happy he'd likely be so glad he'd just leave me the hell alone.

my other blog is:


  1. Ha! I work shifts, and for the past three weeks it has rained every time I am off. So, my lawn looked like a jungle. A few years ago I would have gotten a few complaints about the status of my yard, but due to the economy and many of the houses around here becoming rentals/abandoned, I look good in comparison.

  2. The responses to that Craigslist ad might also be blog-worthy