I am now Father Piccolo.

My life has taken an interesting turn.

Last night I heard that my nephew, who is marrying the most beautiful bride in the world soon had the marrying official cancel out on them for some reason or another.

Figuring that to be something that was likely to throw a wrench into the works I decided to take action and became an ordained minister so if push came to shove I could perform the ceremony.

Shortly after I was ordained I felt something go through me and I am now going to live up to the simple vows I took. I vowed to support freedom of religion and to always do the right thing. This in itself is no real change in my life.

The first thing I did as an ordained minister was to tell Lefty Davis to go piss up a rope. It simply was the right thing to do.

It has since occurred to me that as a gentleman of nobility I had three common choices in life. I could run the family manse, I could join the military or I could go into the clergy.

After my father died and left the estate to my mother she defied convention and instead of passing it on to the eldest son she made a point to divide it equally among all of her children. I suppose I could gripe about being cheated out of my inheritance and maybe I will but the truth is that if I ran it it I would likely be in jail as I do not do well in Massachusetts.

Kudos to one of my sisters for running the place and doing a great job handling the estate. I was left with more than enough to be able to have Van Halen play at my 60th birthday party. (Not that I did, but I suppose I could have.)

So that left the military and the clergy. I joined the army.

Actually I did pretty well in the army. I was a clever soldier and smart enough to realize that I should not make a career out of it because I had a tendency to accidentally embarrass senior officers. I was a bit too much of a swashbuckler.

When you are called up on stage during a debriefing and asked to explain to everyone where you came up with a clever, innovative idea to pass by enemy positions undetected you humbly say that, "I asked myself, 'What would I do if I were you, Sir.'"

"I saw it on the Three Stooges, Colonel." is not the proper answer to give in front of 596 officers and men.

With the military behind me and no hope for the chance at running the family manse, that left the clergy until I discovered there was a fourth option in the list that was never mentioned. I decided to take it.

I promptly ran away to sea and embarked on a life of crime.

My life as a seagoing criminal was pretty good to me and I hade a pretty good adventuresome time and cannot complain about it one single bit. I think I have had nore fun and adventure than Indiana Jones.

Besides, the clergy would not have fit me well at the time. As a younger man I suppose I would have been put under scrutiny for giving someone a penance of 'Go get drunk and laid'. While I suppose that under the circumstances and the time it very well been pretty good advice and a fair penance to some poor slob taking life too seriously, I would have been considered too contraversial.

As an older man I have come to realize that a well placed gunshot can be a viable solution a situation. So can the judicious use of high explosives or a punch in the mouth.

Sometimes these are not used enough, but generally they are used too much by the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Still, they are a useful option in some cases.

While I have never advocated the use of copious amounts of Jameson's, trashy women, general insanity and howling at the moon for everyone, I must have to confess that they have kept me basically sane and mentally healthy.

Of course, I have always respected the fact that others have different ways of coping and a blowout isn't for everyone. In fact for some it is leaving the blowout and returning to being useful again.

Over the years I have helped coach a couple of people back to the land of sobor usefulness. I'm pretty proud of that, too.

Still I have mellowed a bit and have decided to couple my basic beliefs and do the Lord's work as I see it.

I am going to take my responsibilities as a member of the clergy seriously and will uphold the basic freedom of religion and will continue to keep doing the right thing.

Incidentally, if any of you are dubious about my status as a clergyman, stop and think a second. You can bet your ass I'll be one hell of a lot better clergyman than Al Sharpton.

Yours in your choice of peace or war, Father Piccolo.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html