One of the things I would love to see an airline do but never will

Is load STRICTLY rear to front.

They sort of did this during the middle of Covid restrictions and it seemed to work out rather well. 

Of course they did it sort of half-assed which is to be expected. They used the  "Aisles 45 through 35 please board" now sort of thing and it worked its way up. "Aisle 35 through 25 may board now." and so forth. while it was a lot better than usual but it was still kinda slow.

Anyone that's even a little bit familiar with military jump school knows the basic drill.

STAND UP!

HOOK UP!

EQUIPMENT CHECK!

STAND IN THE DOOR!

GO!

And a string of paratroopers goes out the door in a matter of a few seconds. It's neat and orderly. 

So was loading the plane before the jump. Everyone simply boarded when their number was called.

I'd just love to see a team of Old School drill sergeants and Black Hats get an airplane loaded. It would be hilarious.

Gate 62. San Francisco International. 

"Aisles 45 to 35 stand up and SOUND OFF when your aisle number is called!"

"Aisle 45!"

"YO! Here! Present!"

"Aisle 45, GO!  Move it! ...Aisle 44 sound off!"

"Here, etc"

"Aisle 44, GO! Follow the people in Aisle 45! DO NOT get out of order! If they are too slow, push them along! ...Aisle 43 sound off!"

And so on.

"Aisles 34-25 STAND UP and sound off when your aisle is called....."

"First Class passengers STAND UP and sound off when your aisle is called!"

Needless to say, there would be some Karens and Kens that get confused and screw it up. That would be the fun part to watch.

"I...I...I don't understand..." says Ken.

"That's because you are stupid and stupid people are not permitted to ride on MY airplane! Sit the f*** down and MAYBE, just MAYBE we will let you get on last but if you board this airplane you WILL board it with your pants down to your ankles and your thumb in your mouth to show everyone how STUPID you are! And that's if you're DAMNED lucky! If you f*** up one more time I am going to gouge your eye out and skull f*** you! Now sit down and shut up!"

Enter Karen who wants to speak to the manager.

"I AM the manager. I am your mother, you father, your supervisor and I am the airplane GOD. Now either YOU shape the f*** up or get out of my gate and return to ticketing or I will have your sorry ass thrown out. You go last, after dumbass Ken over there and you better have your panties on your head and your thumb in your mouth when you board or you're gonna have to WALK to O'Hare!"

The plane loads in five minutes followed by Karen and Ken taking up the rear with their thumbs in their mouths. Ken's pants are around his ankles and Karen has her panties on her head. The whole plane laughs themselves silly at them.

Karen finally figures it out and beats a hasty retreat to her seat, sits down and buckles up. Glassy eyed Ken stumbles aaround with a lost look on his face.

The attendant hikes her skirt up to free up her legs and gives Ken a good swift kick in the ass and shouts, "Move it, $hitbird!" and Ken is seated in seconds.

Now we did have elderly and handicapped passengers to deal with and that's OK. We just added a couple of trained people to temporarily augment the existing aircrew to insure these people were carefully loaded first  with compassion, kindness and dignity and efficiently as possible before the masses got boarded.

I'd actually pay and extra ten bucks to be on a flight like that just for the entertainment value. Hell, I'd give twenty just to watch Ken shuffle in with his pants around his ankles and his thumb in his mouth and Karen with her panties on her head.

From another standpoint it would probably help to train the Karens and Kens from waiting until they get to the front of the line to make up their minds what they want at places like Starbucks.

As it stands now most of the flying I do is paid for by corporate and corporate buys the cheap seats to keep expenses down. As a result I generally get stuck boarding last along with the rest my fellow  beggars, cripples, hunchbacks, branded criminals, dwarfs and lepers. 

Boarding by ticket price is a zoo at best because there is little rhyme nor reason to is. I always have a hard to repress urge to panhandle the first class passengers as I board. "Alms! Alms for the poooor! Alms!" as I pass through the first class zone but I have managed to keep a lid on it so far.

Some high school kids did that once years ago and it was hilarious. Some of the first class passengers were amused, others were really pissed off. The attendants had a hard time keeping a straight face. 

I ran the basic idea of boarding by rows past and attendent one day and added, "Hell, at the last minute you have the computer give a printout and you could board by names."

"Someone would forget their name," she blurted out.

I DO see her point.

 

 

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY