Ahh, yes. Publications I have quoted over the years

In my never ending battles with the stupid and the gullible from time to time I quote various things from various sources.

If you can quote something official sounding with great authority you can generally get someone gullible to believe it.

I have quoted things like 'The Suburban Dwellers Guide' published by the government printing office. I told someone that according to the Suburban Dwellers Guide on chapter 4, Lawns, it says specifically on Section C, Animal messes on lawns on Article 2 Amendment B-4 that the proper tool for preventing animal messes on front lawns is the Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. Under no circumstances is the animal to be shot at. The animal is not responsible.  However, the owner of said animal may be shot in the posterior to instill respect for his neighbors property.

I posted that on Nextdoor and was surprised how many Karens wanted to know where to buy a copy.

Over the years I have quoted any number of imaginary publications. Here's a partial list.

Complete Guide to Auto Theft and Basic Chop Shop Operations.

Advanced Prostitution for Housewives, work from home! (By Freda B. Layd)

The Suburban Dwellers Guide, (US printing office, 2021 revision.)

The Rules: Illegal Street Racing.

Entry Level Guide to Vandalism.

Guidebook for Street Hookers.

The Professional Guide for Stealing cars.

Rules for Street Level Drug Dealers. (Cartel Press, 2020 edition)

Handbook for Rats, Stoolies and Snitches. (US Department of Justice, 2019 edition with 2021 updated appendix)

Basic Pole Dancing.

Snitches get Stitches. (Cartel Press, third revision, 2021)

Burn it down! The Arsonist's Handbook. 

Advanced Guide for Strippers. 

Slim Red's Guide to Pimping.

Why work? A Complete Guide to Insurance Fraud. 

Introduction to Smuggling Narcotics, Maritime Edition.

Take Them to the Cleaners, a guide for professional con men.

Moonshining A to Z. A guide for to getting caught by the revenuers.

Making it Up as You Go Along, the bullshitter's handbook.

And one I stole from the late great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, 'The Gouger's Handbook'.

Just to name a few.

A couple of months ago one of the guys reminded me of the time some woman toasted on mood elevators or maybe cocaine told me at a barbecue about wanting to get a breast augmentation.

I told her there was a chapter in 'Advanced Guide for Strippers', chapter six, Breast Augmentation. I told her that a couple cosmetic surgeons mentioned in the book could fix her up so that if she put on a tight sweater she'd look like Mamie Van Doren in her prime without having to wear an uncomfortable bullet bra.  

She promptly pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and carefully wrote the title down!

A couple of July 4ths ago someone asked me how to set up a Fourth of July bonfire. (Duh!) I told him the excellent instructions are to be found in the training exercise chapter ot 'Burn it down! The Arsonist's Handbook.' He said he'd have the local library pick it up for him at the Andrew Carnegie library downtown.

It is truly amazing how people won't question a source if you can quote it smoothly and with great authority like you know what you are talking about.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY