I was an armorer for a while and passed my first IG inspection by the skin of my teeth. The second one I got rated 'superior' even though the inspector said I deserved an 'outstanding'. He quietly told me they were not supposed to give an 'outstanding' more than one time once a year and it had already been given.
What was equally important is the other four batteries in the battalion did rather well. I was in Headquarters battery, there were 3 firing batteries, A, B, and C and a Service Battery.
The A Battery armorer had been assigned the job shortly after arriving from Germany after a hasty reassignment because his old outfit had to get rid of him. He had shot someone on guard duty and the someone turned out to be a green second lieutenant that had tried to 'test' the guards and found out the hard way that he was on his toes.
When the mess got sorted out he was cleared of any wrongdoing and transferred Stateside which is what often happens in cases like this. He was a pretty good armorer. Shortly after he transferred into A Battery he was assigned as an armorer not only because he had a supply MOS but because they wanted to kind of keep him under the radar.
There had been a hue and cry at division level to make sure the arms rooms were squared away and there was a big ballyhoo made over it. All the battery commanders were rather worried about the next IG inspection.
Following the previous inspection that I had squeaked by on I went to work correcting all the defiencies. I also bugged Battalion S-3 to send me to a couple of classes and they did. I took a weapons repair class which I was eligible for and did well in and a management class I wasn't eligible for. I was a PFC at the time and you had to be a sergeant or at least a Sp/4 with a waiver. Quick fix. The battery commander cut a set of orders making me an acting sergeant.
Before I left for class I was told to keep a low profile and was told there would be repercussions if I bilged out of the course. What happened is the opposite. I studied day and night and practically memorized the entire program and wound up with an 'Outstanding graduate' diploma!
When I reported back to the battery I got hauled up in front of the Battery Commander and told that I had opened a can of worms by becoming the class outstanding graduate. They had discovered I was an acting sergeant and started to dig around a bit. The Battery Commander, somewhat amused, handed me a set of orders, suitably backdated promoting me to Sp/4! He said he had to because he was only permitted to promote me as an 'acting jack' one pay grade. He was actually covering several other asses by promoting me. S-3 would have caught hell also. When he promoted me he said he was proud of me and wished he had more problems like that. He also told me to keep my 'acting jack' stripes.
As soon as I got back to the arms room I called the so-called "Mait Team". These were civilians that were supposed to help people that needed a hand when they were not inspecting things with the rest of the IG team. Could I visit them? I could and I did under the guise of getting a couple of rules clarfied. Truth is I wanted to meet the people that were inspectors and give them a good impression.
There was also s benefit that surpised me. They proved to be an excellent source of publications. They also schlepped me one of their inspection check lists which proved to be invaluable.
It was a day later when the BnXO and my BC wandered in and said that because I had gone to the schools they wanted me to inspect the other arms rooms and see if they needed any help. I asked if I could take Tom, the A Battery armorer with me. Tom was pretty sharp and four eyes are better than two. They agreed and a phone call was made to the A Battery Commander..
The B Battery armorer was not the sharpest tool in the shed but he wasn't stupid, either. The Service Battery armorer was OK but the C Battery armorer was a dolt.
When I got back to supply Tom was there demanding to know what I had gotten him into. I explained and he asked what was in it for him. I said probably a couple of three day passes if we do OK. If we don't well probably get shot.
Now I had virtually everything I was supposed to have because between the supply sergeant and I we had begged, borrowed and cumshawed our shortages. I was a pretty good scrounger but the supply sergeant was a Jedi Master.
Tom's arms room was squared away. The only thing he needed were a couple of publications. A quick call to the so-called Mait Team and he was up to speed. Actually it wasn't the publications so much as it was the updates for them.
We inspected B, C, and Service Battery's arms rooms, noted what they were lacking and put everything they needed on order. It wasn't as good as having it there but it did show the armorer had been doing it's job. One of the things I noted was the tool kits had a few tools missing. B and Service batteries had a couple of unserviceable M-60 barrels.
C Battery's was lacking in a lot. The paperwork was a mess and they were missing a bunch of things. We made a list of who was missing what and saw to it they were at least on order and we could prove it.
If we had a couple of weeks more we could have gotten the entire battalion up to snuff.
Unfortunately we got bushwhacked and surprised by the unannounced inspection. I saw Tom and told him the instant they finished with him to find me. He agreed.
The inspected right on down the line. I was first, A Battery second, B Battery third and so on. I chatted with the two inspectors and was on a first name basis with them from visiting them a couple of times. They went through everything professionally and noted a couple of small things that I had intentionally messed up just to give them something to write up. I think there were a couple of loose rifle slings. I got 'the look' for that one. I had shown them I knew how the game was played. I did well and they said so.
They left for A Battery. I wasn't worried about Tom. I knew he'd fare well. I grabbed the list we had made of defiencies and went to the B Battery list and started grabbing stuff off of my shelves and lockers. One thing I grabbed was the two spare M-60 barrels, complete with bags. They were brand new. With a box full of publications, a few tools and two M-60 barrels I charged down the the B Battery supply room and made a beeline for the arms room.
The armorer there grabbed my stuff and swapped his junk M-60 barrels for my new ones. We filled his shelf with the missing pubs and stuffed the missing tools into his toolbox. and I returned to my arms room. An hour later Tom showed up and we plundered what I had, boxed it up and ran over to Tom's arms room and grabbed the rest of what C Battery needed and stormed in on him. The three of us had him looking pretty good in short order and then we headed back to my supply room.
We were stopped cold by the BnXO that demanded to know what we were up to. "Sir, you do not want to know," I replied.
"Have you been....never mind," he said and walked off.
While they were inspecting C Battery we plundered what we had left and carted it down to Service Battery and got him up to snuff. It was lunch time and Tom suggested we feed the arms room inspectors. I suggested we feed them and the supply room inspectors. We grabbed the B Battery armorer and we headed to the back door of the mess hall, pleaded our case to Sergeant Morris who fixed us up. We carted a ton of chow to the C Battery supply room and wandered in and offered them lunch which they gratefully accepted.
It actually kept them from taking a lunch break and got them through the inspection a little faster. We wanted them done and out of there. We ate in the C Battery supply room along with them. The C Battery Commander wandered in looked at Tom and I with curiosity but said nothing. I never did like the BC of C Battery. He treated his people poorly and I had crossed swords with him before. He didn't like me either.
Meanwhile back in the Headquarters supply room, my supply officer was asking where I was. He was a West Pointer and actually a pretty good officer. The BnXO had wandered in and was asking him how the inspection went. He was also interested in how my inspection went and asked where I was. The Lieutenant told him I was in another supply room and let the cat out of the bag.
The Major's jaw fell and he asked the Lieutenant, "You mean the IG team is inspecting the same equipment five times?"
"That's about it, Sir." said the Lieutenant. "Actually it's mainly publications."
Meanwhile lunch was over and I wandered back and the IG team finished with C Battery and went down to Service battery.
The supply and arms inspection ended at about 1500 and the IG team left. Immediately Tom and I started getting all of our stuff back. We were careful to make sure everyone else that had pitched in get theirs back, too.
Tom and I were walking down the dock headed back to our respective supply rooms. We were both carrying M-60 barrel bags and boxes full of publications and a few tools. Out of nowhere the BnXO appeared. "Ah. I see Colonel Hogan and his assistant are returning various pieces of government to their rightful owners."
"Yes, Sir," I replied.
"Jesus Christ!" he said. Then he shook his head. "You two guys..."
We put our stuff away, I turned the keys into the BC who commented that rumor control had it that my arms room had passed with flying colors.
As I left I passed the First Sergeant who confirmed what the BC had just told me. I went home.
A couple of days later the official results came down to battalion and then to the battery. I had gotten a 'Superior' but after my inspection the inspector quietly told me if should have been an 'Outstanding' but said dryly "It's only awarded once a year to the General's nephew."
Superior was as good as it got.
Later that day I was called up by the BnCO. Unlike the XO the BnCo was worthless. The XO was an incredible officer. We respected him. The BnCo looked at me and said, "I heard about what you did yesterday and it was sneaky, dishonest and decietful."
"Yes, Sir." I replied.
"However I am going to let this one slide," he added.
He also wanted to know why I had 'only' gotten a 'Superior' and not an outstanding.
I thought to myself "In a pig's ass! If this asshole tries to take my stripes I'm going to demand a trial by General Court's Martial. I'll lose but I'll take him with me. The investigation will crack this fly-by-night battalion wide open!"
I was dismissed and headed back. On the way out I passed the XO's office and looked. He was in. I caught his eye and gave him a crisp salute. It was improper military courtesy but the look the Major gave me told me he took it for what it was. A sign of respect. He was one hell of an officer. I started to walk off and he called me into his office.
"Two loose slings, a dirty rifle and an unauthorized spare part, Not bad at all," he said. "Who had the dirty rifle?" He had an incredible photographic memory. He had probably scanned the results and had the entire thing memorized.
"You did, Sir. He said he was going to inspect five rifles and if they were clean he was going to inspect until he found something wrong with one of them. All five were clean so I handed him yours along with a Q-Tip and told him he'd find something wrong with it. We both know how the game is played. I picked yours because I knew someone would ask and I didn't want some poor slob to get his ass chewed over nothing. You were an enlisted man. You know how it works."
"You snake! Close the door," he ordered. I did and he told me that A Battery and I had 'Superiors' and that the other batteries had done rather well. He said he had figured out how we had gotten the needed stuff to the other batteries "Basic sneaky 101," he said. What he wanted to know is how we knew what to bring them.
I told him I had gotten a check list from the Mait team, made copies and Tom and I had gone through the rest of the battalion's arms rooms and noted what was what. We got everything they needed put on order that would have actually covered them if push came to shove. I pointed out it was better to actually have what was required instead of having it 'on order'.
When we got caught flat footed we collected B, C, and Service battery's check lists and told them to stand by for a delivery. As soon as the inspectors left I pulled the stuff B Battery needed and while they were busy with A Battery I delivered it. When they were finished with A Battery we packed up a package for C Battery and so on down the line. We used the check lists we had made out a couple of days earlier to know what to deliver. The whole thing was touch and go.
"Interesting," he said.
"Sir, if we had another week or so we wouldn't have had to do that because they would have had everything squared away. They caught us flatfooted."
"Yeah, they did. Still, off the record you two did a remarkable job of getting us through the IG. The battalion did well," He said. "Oh, and by the way, your reward for doing such a good job is more work. Colonel Hogan, you are now unofficially the Battalion Armorer."
"Thank you for nothing, Sir." I said and we both chuckled.
Aftermath.
Tom got a three day pass which he cleverly tied in with a three day weekend and managed to get six straight days off. He had the CQ sign him in late Friday night which covered him.
The C Battery replaced the dolt that had been his armorer. The guy was actually a pretty good cannoneer but lousy with the paperwork. The new guy had at least half of a working brain and seemed to do well. Tom and I had him up to speed in short order and taught him a few unofficial tricks that made his life easier.
A couple months later the First Sergeant came over to the arms room. I was working on something, probably an M-60. He told me to secure the weapon and follow him. I did, in a greasy old shirt I wore while I worked. We got to the door of the B Battery day room.
Top then told me to report to the president of the promotion board as ordered. Nobody had told me but I had been recommended for E-5!
The president of the board was the C Battery Commander that I didn't like at all. I also saw one of the two NCOs on the board was from the S-3 shop and was one of my admirers.
Someone commented on my disheveled appearance and the board chuckled. They we played twenty questions and I was dismissed. A day later the S-3 NCO an into me and had 'a quiet word' with me.
He told me I had passed the board which was a mild surprise. Then he said something that floored me. "The president of the board doesn't like you very much and said so. He also recommended you for promotion."
I was stunned and showed it.
"Probably because you helped save his bacon a couple of months ago," he said.
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