Which has bugged me for two days because it's a natural. Some things write their own story.
A neighbor is getting rid of a couch and has it on the side of the road with a 'free' sign on it.
My mind went straight into overdrive and as is often the case I realized with any luck I could use it to create a pretty good $hitstorm. I resisted the temptation for a day or so. Finally temptation got the better part of me so I took my wheelbarrow, dumped my laundry in it and threw a couple empty booze bottles on top and capped it with a sleeping bag and headed to the couch after dark.
I tossed my sleeping bag on the couch, climbed in and sacked out.
The plan was to pass myself off as a homeless person sacked out in my well established neighborhood and hope someone snapped a picture of it and posted it on Nextdoor. I knew they'd never see my face if I slept facing the back of the couch.
I saw a potential epic $hitstorm in the making which is quite entertaining. A lot of suburbanites need exercise and I figured this would give them the opportunity to get a lot of it by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, and running off at the keyboard.
I'd get to see a lot of people out themselves and watch the NIMBYs go stark staring bonkers. Not in my back yard! The usual assortment of idiots that babble about how proud they are to live in a sanctuary city and then go ape when their sanctuary city gets overrrun by illegals. Or demand that the government opens homeless shelters and then go to pieces when they decide to open one half a block from their house. You know the type.
So I'm trying to sack out and inside a couple minutes the homeowner comes out and asks me what I'm doing. He had bagged me on a Ring doorbell camera. When he saw my face he recognized me and I explained that I was hoping to stir things up a bit. I told him that someone would probably snap a picture and post it on social media and there would be hell to pay.
He laughed like hell and told me to carry on. Besides, maybe someone would spot the 'free' sign on the couch and cart it off.
Sleep came rather slowly and a few cars here and there passed by. The cars headed down the street moved at normal speed likely because they were on the other side of the road and didn't notice me.
A couple of the cars headed up the street slowed down so I knew I had been seen. Slowly I dozed off but not for long. "Hey! Wake up!" I heard.
I knew who it was instantly. It was some guy with a gun and a badge and I actually recognized the voice. When I looked over at him I recognized the face. I'd chatted with him a couple of times before in a convenience store.
"Hey! I know you! You live around the corner. Wife kick you out or something?" he asked.
"Nah. Just catching a nap here for a few hours because I'm hoping someone gets outraged, snaps a picture and posts it on social media as a homeless. Nobody is likely to recognize my face so they'll panic over 'The Invasion of the Homeless' and the ensuing $hitshow should be entertaining." I said back.
"Yeah, it probably would but it's probably be a pain for the dispatcher because we'd likely get calls over it from panicky neighbors. Please do us both a favor. Just go home and get a good night's sleep." he said.
Then he looked at me. "You're the guy that asked the neighbors to keep quiet the morning after the 4th of July so you could sleep in after being up all night shooting off fireworks." he said.
"Guilty as charged," I replied. "For the record I was sitting on an oil barge in San Francisco when I posted that. I was bored at work that night."
His mouth ran away with him. "San Francisco, huh? That's a pretty good alibi. That was a pretty good one," he said. "A couple of us got a pretty good laugh and a couple people wanted us to bust you for illegal fireworks!"
As I was rolling up my sleeping bag the cop looked at the couch. "This one's in pretty good shape," he said. "I have a cousin that just finished school and moved out and is setting up an apartment that might be able to use it."
"I've got a pickup and if she'll pay for the gas I use I'll help her out by delivering it," I said.
"I'll let you know," he said.
Actually I don't think he was serious about the couch because cops generally don't like other people's junk. It kind of goes with the territory because they know what kind of animals a lot of people are.
I packed up immediately and headed home pushing the wheelbarrow. The cop was just so damned pleasant about it there was no way I could refuse him. Then again, we got a pretty good department.
No comments:
Post a Comment