Friday, October 21, 2011

Things I should not do

As I have gotten older I have learned that there are l number of things that are not good ideas.

1. I will no longer list my mother's cause of death on medical forms as 'knife fight on wet T-shirt night at the strip club', especially if the nurse looks like she should be wearing antlers.

2. I will be patient wait until planting season before I mumble something around gossippy Louise about burying kids selling magazines in the back yard. Instead I will mumble something about grinding them up in the chipper/shredder and them for fertilizer.

3. When the results of my random drug test come in I will no longer open the envelope in front of the HR lady, furrow my brows and say, "What do you mean I am pregnant?"

4. I will no longer sharpen my Ka-Bar while leering at the ship's newbie.

5. I will no longer address deckhands as 'Hey, dumbass!". That form of address is reserved for the Chief Engineer unless the Chief is bigger than me. If he is, that form of address is saved for the captain.

6. A valve wrench is not a counseling tool.

7. If I am hospitalized again I will not tell the triage nurse that I insist on asking where the 'clean underwear checker' is so the doctor knows I come from a good family. Getting a wedgee from Big Olga is not fun.

8. When dispatch tells me to 'Start at the beginning' he does not mean for me to start reciting the Book of Genesis.

9. Practicing with Morse code buzzer while the crew is in the galley is not very smart.

10. Be sure to have biscuits and gravy Sunday mornings. Although mutiny is against the law, it still happens. See number 9.

11. Sneaking an MRE fork into a Chinese restaurant isn't necessary. If you ask, they will get you one.

12. Telling a doctor to quit being cheap buy his Big Nurse a set of antlers is risky, but only if she hears you.

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