Sunday, April 29, 2012

What kind of cleaning service needs bulldozers,

 sheetrockers, dump trucks, cranes and hires iron workers, carpenters, electricians and plumbers?

Superhero Clean up Company does.

Superman is a slob. He is always making colossal messes and everybody always seems to wind up cleaning up after him. While
Batman, Robin and the Green Lantern and the rest of them generally beat the holy hell out of the forces of evil they are really not to awfully bad about the damage they cause. Superman, however, is terrible.

So we now have Superman trying to head off Lex Luther in his latest evil plot and the Man of Steel is booting along at about 3674 feet per second which is, of course, faster than a speeding bullet and he heard the cries of a baby in a carriage that is heading down the hill on the sidewalk and into a busy intersection. The man of steel heard the cries, adjusts the doppler shift of the cries, and changes course directly toward the runaway carriage and makes a beeline for it.

He has to. I saw a pretty good History channel program on superheroes one night and Stan Lee explained that superheroes always have to stop what they are doing to rescue babies and toddlers. Stan seems pretty astute on superheroes and I'll take his word for this.

Stan also pointed out that superheroes public behavior has to be snow white so as to set an example for the youth of the community to follow. (This may account for Clark Kent's drinking and whoring.) Yet you never see Superman pitching in to fix the hole in the street he made when he drilled himself straight down through the pavement to chase Old Lex who was hiding out in an underground bunker. He doesn't even have the decency to put up signs to keep motorists from driving into the world class hole he has just created.

If I ran my car into a hole like that you can bet your boots he's be hearing from my lawyer.

Of course, the shortest distance between two points between Superman and the baby is a straight line and the Metropolitan Building happens to be in the way so Superman simply goes through it.

Now the people of Metopolis have grown used to having Superman around so when the startled office workers jump out of their skins, the boss, who was reading the Daily Planet comes out of his office and surveys the damage and looks at the startled workers. He's seen this before. It happened three issues ago.

"Superman," he says. The enormous hole through the building draws a passing glance. "Tom, call building maintenance and the rest of you get back to work."

He goes back into his office and continues reading the paper.

So who pays for all of this damage?

Who cleans up after him? You never see Superman show up with a tool box to repair the gaping holes in the building. Ma Kent is back in Smallville and is not there to pick up after him.

Now that I think about it, Ma and Pa Kent didn't do a very good job of raising him if he can't even clean up his own messes. My mother taught me to clean up after myself. Navy SEALS, Green Berets, Delta force guys all clean up after themselves. Ever seen a SEAL barracks? Neat as a pin. Those guys are heroes, too, yet they clean up after themselves.

So if SEALS, Rangers, Green Berets and other guys like that clean up after themselves, why can't Superman?

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1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure if there is something similar for DC, but Marvel has a fictional construction company that specializes in work involving the aftermath of superhuman battles, called "Damage Control Inc". They even got their own limited series at one point.