Saturday, March 29, 2014

Here's one for you North Carolinians

It is a Saturday morning and I bought a partial bottle of Bushmill's Irish at a garage sale yesterday and managed to really annoy the people that were running it.

They're retired and moving to North Carolina and most likely they are not going to be happy there because they are likely going to take their Pittsburgh ways with them.

I suggested that before they move they take a long hard look at where they are going and what they are likely to do when they get there. I said that jerks that move down from Pennsylvania and New Jersey are ruining a good way of life and turning it into sewers like the ones they left.

There are still a few of those lovely little Mayberry type places left in parts of the south and they're generally pretty good places to live and a lot cheaper than a lot of the places up north.

They won't last long though because people will move into them and turn them into the sewers they left.

They told me they could live cheaper in NC.

"Not for long," I shot back. "They'll hate you inside three months because you'll ruin the place if you're typical Pittsburghers."

Some guy buying a couple of cheap sleeping bags laughed. He looked at me. "They will, too. They'll bring Pittsburgh with them."

The woman looked confused.

''You have to change your attitude before you leave," I said. "You're not so much going TO North Carolina as much as you are LEAVING Pittsburgh. When you leave Pittsburgh, leave it behind you."

I explained that they have low taxes there because they provide fewer services. For example, you take your own trash to the dump. 
Want to hear the classic example?

She did.

You move to Mayberry and they have a number of dirt roads that have been there since George Washington was a kid. You can comfortably drive 25 or 30 on them.

"Back in Pittsburgh, all of our roads were paved."

So you push for a bill and then want street lights which they add. Then you discover that the old dirt road drained but the new one doesn't. You uproot the street lights, install storm drains, reinstall the street lights. The next step is that you notice that now there is a smooth ribbon of pavement that every drives like the hammers of hell on it.

You complain about that and demand they do something. They install speed bumps which brings you back to square one because you had a good road that you couldn't speed on in the first place.

Then the next step is to start griping about how taxes are going up and complain that they are getting to be as bad as they were in Pittsburgh.

The guy with the sleeping bag laughed.

"That's about the size of it," he said. "That's what a lot of people do."

The woman looked upset. "What would you do if you moved there?"

"When they put a pile of grits next to your bacon and eggs just eat them and shut up. Keep you mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Look around and see how they do things. It's going to be different and different means different. It doesn't mean wrong. Get used to doing things differently. Leave Pittsburgh here."

They won't. They're incapable.

All I want to tell you North Carolinians is that a couple more Guddam yankees are headed your way.

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY


  1. Pic, got one from somewhere above the mason-dixion line today in gunshop (ky). Said he wanted a shotgun, not a military "style" because they should be illegal. I told him a military style assault weapon has been illegal since 1936 without a $200 tax stamp. He told me that I was lying (Yankee accent) and I told him he didn't know shit. Probably teaches at UofK. Been stopping by often and I have read all you have up. About 98 I agree with, no Yankee could be totally right. cheers and keep shooting

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  3. Last time I visited my buddy in Mooresville, NC they put grits on my plate but I didn't eat them and caught some grief from the waitress for not eating them. I asked her if there was a janitor on duty, and she said no, why? I explained that if I ate them she would need one to decontaminate the head. I could use grits to prep for a colonoscopy. She found no humor in my reasoning but I was just trying to keep things civil.