Friday, January 15, 2016

I just saw where someone brought a service turkey on a flight.

Yeah, a real, live turkey. The kind you eat at Thanksgiving. They declared it as some kind of service animal and they let them fly with it. On Piccolo Airlines I'd have let them aboard with it.  When we leveled off at, say 7500 feet I'd have conducted an experiment. I'd open a hatch and see if a domestic turkey can fly.

That would have brought THAT to a screeching halt MOST riki-tik.

I have nothing against trained guide animals for the blind. (Yes, blind. I'm not PC. I suppose the official term is 'visually handicapped) Anyway, blind people can bring a trained Seeing Eye Dog along with them.

Of course, on Piccolo Airlines we'd make sure that the people were blind or damned close to it before they boarded with their dog.

I have heard horror stories of people bringing little Fifi with them and declaring it as a service animal only to have the little fleabag relieve itself all over the plane.

On Piccolo Airlines, if little Fifi decided to crap on board we'd see if dogs can fly. That way it would not pose a problem on the return trip.

It's grossly unfair to the rest of us to have to put up with something as obnoxious as a dog pooping in the cramped quarters of an airplane. There really is no way to air the thing out as they whip along at 30,000 feet at 600 knots.

On a long flight that gets pretty old pretty fast. It can be downright nasty. 

Also, people like that tend to be pretty irresponsible and don't step up to the plate and make restitution. If little Fifi pees on your jacket you can expect to eat the cleaning bill. 

Ask someone like that to pay up and see what happens. Most of them get pretty damned indignant at the thought of paying for little Fifi's damages. They generally have some lame excuse like, "But he's  only just a puppy!"

Fifi is YOUR puppy, not mine and you ar responsible for him. No excuses. I wonder how little Fifi's owner would like it if I crapped under their seat.

I supose it is probably a pretty good thing that there is no Piccolo Airlines. If there was there might be someone being interviewed on TV.

"I was walking down the street on my way to Bible study when out of nowhere I got hit on the head by a turkey." said the interviewed person.

Or maybe the fire department log in a small town paper might note that the fire department was called to get a toy poodle out of a tree. I can see Geraldo asking the viewers rhetorically "How did a toy poodle get stuck in a tree?" 

Acutally I was thinking that maybe I ought to get myself a real, live buffalo. You know, the kind you see in westerns that the Indians hunt for food. Two tons of it.

Then declare the buffalo to be a service animal and then try and board a plane. When they don't permit it it's a quick call to Dewey, Cheetham & Howe for a lawsuit because they don't have a pen for my service buffalo.

The way things are going these day I'd win and then the airlines would have to install buffalo pens and I'd make a few bucks.

Yes, as a species we really are that stupid.

The truth is that I can't really blame the airlines. They have to protect themselves from law suits. On the other hand, if Fifi bit someone or really made a flight unbearable the passengers have rights, too. The passengers would likely come after the airlines for permitting the dog on in the first place. The Airlines are caught in a Catch-22 situation here.

Yes, the human race really is that stupid.

I can hear the sea stories now.

"Hey, Bob! How was the flight?"

"Not too bad this time. At least we didn't have a poo flinging monkey running around the plane biting peoples ears. I was seated next to a nice old woman with her service pony resting quietly in the aisle."


"Great flight! I had the whole row of seats to myself. It's pretty interestng what bringing on a six-foot diamondback rattler as a service animal along does to get a guy extra leg room."


I just did a little research and the law allows a lot of discretion on the part of the airline. From a practical point the only animal they have to permit on board is a well-trained Seeing Eye dog.

I am not going to blame this on the inconsiderate people that want to bring their pets with them. The airline takes the hit for permitting it.

They better hope I don't get bit on the ear by someone's poo flinging monkey or else there may very well BE a Piccolo Airlines  flying the friendly skies!

"This is your captain speaking. This is a long flight and it looks like later on we're treating you to a turkey dinner compliments of the moron sitting in aisle 17, seat D. Janie, fire up the oven and Bob, take the controls. It's your airplane. I gotta go back and gut a bird. Thank you for flying Piccolo Airlines."

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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