Saturday, August 31, 2013

One of the things that irked the living hell out of me a while ago was when a friend of mine had a legitimate accident.

OK, the truth is that he took a stupid pill shortly after he woke up. That in itself is not against the law because if it was then an awful lot of people would be in jail, including the guards which would make things interesting.

Anyway, he had a 5 gallon can of water seal. The can was made out of steel and was thicker than most five gallon cans.

He was trying to pour the water seal into a garden sprayer and because there was no air vent much like government mandated gas cans he decided to make one. Most of us that work with stuff like that even once in a while know the trick. You poke a hole in the lid on the side opposite the spout. 


On heavy duty steel cans I generally use an old steel marline spike or a punch and a hammer. On lighter weight cans I'll sometimes use a quick stab with a strong bladed knife.

My neighbor that morning misjudged the thickness of the steel, fished his Buck knife out and gave the can a hard stab. The knife glanced off the top of the lid and stuck into the wrist of his other hand that was steadying th can.

Simple accident.

It doesn't get a whole lot simpler than that. It involved a knife and a five gallon steel can. There were no power tools, electricity, gas powered engines, ladders, ropes, chains or whips. Just a knife and a can.

Of course he was bleeding like a stuck pig and the effects of the stupid pill that he had taken to get into this mess in the first place had started to wear off. Instead of wrapping the wrist up with a T-shirt and driving himself to the hospital he got a neighbor to drive him. I stuffed him into my truck and off we drove.

It proved to be the only thing that kept him out of the booby hatch as things later turned out.

They took him straight into the emergency room, managed to stop the bleeding and started the inevitible mass of paperwork that has probably killed more people than it has saved.

Hospitals ought to have the symbols of the Cross, the Star of David, and the Crescent intertwined and engraved on a wall somewhere as a memorial to those that have died while filling out hospital paperwork.

"In memory of those that died filling out insurance forms and hospital form 653-a-1, form 308-c-4 and form 953-2A."

Let's not get into anything the government asks for here because I am writing a blog post and not trying to write a bigger book than 'War and Peace'.

Anyway, I guess because my neighbor had cut himself in the wrist the nurse questioned him regarding the possibility of the accident being a suicide attempt. She had a job to do and I won't hold that against her.

What I do hold against her is that she started to act like she was a junior G-man and started playing word games with him. I was outside  and heard some of it and it was downright rotten.

This was a simple accident and she was doing her all-time best to twist it around into a suicide attempt.

He shouted my name and I stepped in. He was angry and actually so was I. He asked me to tell the nurse what happened.

I looked around a quick second and saw there were two nurses and a security guard there and decided how to handle this situation.

My neighbor has been good over the years at keeping me posted on sneak attacks and flanking movements. I tend to help him when he faces a frontal assault.

One time we were getting coffee and some pushy broad tried to elbow him out of the way. She was wearing a 'Guess' T-shirt and had a pretty good sized rack under it.

My neighbor read the shirt, looked at her, reread the shirt, looked up and guessed.

"Implants?" he asked. Everyone within earshot busted up.

I saw the upcoming horror show and headed it off. I pulled out a wad of cash and shouted, "I got $20 that says my friend is right! I worked in a strip club and can tell a boob job from 250 yards!"

"I'll take ten of that!" shouted the older woman behind the counter. She was a character. Someone else shouted they'd take the other ten.

The pushy broad started to try indignation but figured that wouldn't work so she left post haste.

Anyway, I had looked around in the emergency room and said to the security cop who was black, "You guys get beat up too often." I looked at the quieter of the two nurses, "You're Asian of some kind and don't cause trouble." I looked at the troublemaking nurse, "You're just a dopey white girl so you don't count."

"OK, I snapped, "Here's what happened. We got in a knife fight with six Hassidic Jews!"

She turned purple. The security guard started outright laughing, the Asian nurse looked confused, recovered and tittered a bit.

The nurse shot back, "You did NOT get into a knife fight with Hassidic Jews!"

"Mighta been Amish?" suggested the cop, helpfully. The nurse glared at hem.

"If a simple accident isn't good enough for you, then that's our story and we're stickin' to it!" I shot back. Then I turned to the security amused guard. I looked like I was thinking about something. "Might been Amish," I said. "Nah. Had to be Hassidic Jews."

"Why's that?" asked the guard.

"They didn't smell like they had been around horses," interrupted my neighbor. 

"Good point," said the amused guard.

The nurse stormed out and returned with someone in a white jacket, most likely a junior doctor or an intern.

He seemed mildly aggravated.

"What's going on here?" 

"I had an accident," said my neighbor. A plain and simple accident and the nurse here is playing word games to try and make it look like a suicide attempt."

"What's this about a knife fight?" he asked.

"If she won't accept a simple accident, then we got into a knife fight with six Hassidic Jews," I interrupted. "But you might want to accept our word that it was an accident. Insurance doesn't pay for fighting and you want to get paid. This guy is raising six kids on minumum wage."

The doctor looked at the security guard and got everything he needed to know from his totally expressionless face. He knew what was going on and didn't look too pleased.

"Hassidic Jews, my ass!" he said. "They don't start trouble on the streets!"

"Ahem," coughed the security guard. "I suggested that they might have been Amish, but the men said they didn't smell like horses."

The doctor or whoever he was looked up at the security guard sharply and softened immediately and smirked for a second. He turned and started to leave.

The nurse was standing outside and as the doctor walked out he spoke to her in a well deserved snotty tone.

"The man had a simple accident," he snapped, and stormed off.

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