One of the things Karens can't seem to figure out about me

is that I like animals. Most of the time when someone has animal problems I side with the animals. My most common answer is 'leave it alone'.

People are pretty stupid when it comes to animals. Most of the suburban 'problems' are snakes and deer. People worry about harmless snakes and many are killed.

A year ago someone reported killing a bunch of snakes they found in their yard and this year they are bellyaching about the moles that are ruining their precious lawn. I told them 'you did it to yourself when you killed off the snakes'.

Of course I got the obligatory glassy-eyed 'I don't understand' so I had to spell it out. The snakes you killed off eat the moles that now infest your lawn. You had the best organic mole removers known to man that didn't cost you a dime and you killed them off.

"But they're snakes!"

Sounds like a 'no more mean tweets' to me. 

Correct. They're snakes. If you had left them alone you would not be overrun with moles. Now you're going to have to use all kinds of  expensive mechanical and electrical devices and nasty chemicals to get rid of the moles because you killed off nature's free mole removers. Idiot.

The other fairly common one is in the spring when the deer have their fawns. 

"There's a little baby fawn in my back yard! What can I do to help it?"

The best thing you can do to help it is to leave it alone.

"But it's helpless. Where's the mother?"

Down at the bar having a burger and a beer. If you had a baby under a tree with nobody to help you out you'd want something to eat and drink too. The fawn will be there for a day or two. Leave it alone.

"But...I have to HELP that poor fawn!"

What did the deer do before people came along to help them? Leave it alone and let nature run it's course. This kind of thing happened long before you were born and it will continue long after you're gone. Leave the poor animals alone.

Of course there are nuisances to be dealt with like a hornet's nest just outside your back door and that occasionally has to be dealt with. On the other hand, a beehive fifty yards away isn't a problem at all. Just stay away from it.

"But I might get stung!"

Not if you leave it alone.

I've lived in both venonous snake and brown bear country and never had a problem. We just left each other alone.

One guy complained that his son was taking in animals which sounds reasonable to me if the animal wanted to go with him. The kid probably has a way with them the way I have a knack with cats.

I busted his balls by replying, "Don't complain. The last time my son went to the zoo a rhinoceros followed him home."

That one went over a couple of heads. They wanted to know what I did about that so I told them I cleared out the living room and got a couple of bales of hay for the poor animal to eat. It was the only sensible thing to do. The animal was hungry.

Some Karen wanted to know how my wife dealt with a rhinoceros in her living room. I told her the rhino wasn't there very long because he brought it to school for show and tell. The school called animal protection and they had the zoo take the rhino back to captivity. I said I remember that as being the day he got suspended.

When she said that he should have been suspended for bringing such  a dangerous animal to school I replied he wasn't suspended for that.

He was suspended for an essay he wrote on how middle aged suburban women don't know dooley squat about American history. His take was that if they did they know American history they would know that Abraham Lincoln told the American public not to believe everything they read on the internet.

 

 

To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY