One of the things that I would get detailed to do in the service was to run an 'aggressor squad'. The First Sergeant often let me pick the people for this and I recruited a number of the battery troublemakers.
We were being sent out to make trouble and I wanted experienced people with me.
I was a bit too well known around Divarty so I picked the most theatrical of the lot. He was another Tony Curtis type that I knew would make a First Class Imposter.
I also scrounged a couple of pizza boxes which I put aside for later use. I also bought a set of first lieutenant bars and a military intelligence branch pin from the PX.
Then Stan and I sat down with beers and plotted.
The story we came up with is that a Jeep belonging to a pizza place had been intercepted at Cottonwood Junction with a couple of pizzas and a military map in it along with the unit identification the coordinates . The Jeep was supposedly being driven by a recently discharged GI.
Division was supposedly aware that this happened and wanted the practice stopped immediately. The unit that had intercepted the Jeep had notified the Assistant Division Commander and he wanted to speak to the Battalion Commander immediately.
Actually pizzas could be delivered to a unit IN GARRISON and nowhere else. They were forbidden to go 'down range' and they knew it. They obeyed the rules. Occasionally they would make a delivery alongside the fence paralleling highway 115. It was rare to be near enough the fence for our outfit although one time on another detail I managed to successfully get a pie once but that's another story.
Anyway, the mission went as planned. Stan bluffed his way past the guards with the pizza boxes and his tale of woe and told the Battalion Commander he was supposed to accompany him to the Assistant Division Commander's quarters.
Stan sat in back, the BnCO sat in front and PFC Whatshisface drove the Jeep straight to the 'administrative holding area' where the BnCO was informed he was a prisonor of war. He went ballistic as to be expected and started making the usual and expected threats that were ignored.
The Divarty XO was there and the BnCO started talking about an enlisted man impersonationg and officer. The XO looked at me and asked why Stan had been wearing officer's bars. I told him I had promoted him on my authority as senior Circle Trigon Army member present and that he had been sent on an undercover mission to kidnap the BnCO.
"That's pretty thin," said the XO "But I'll buy it. Pretty clever. How do you figure you could promote someone?"
My battalion S-2 spoke up. "Uhh, sir. This man usually gets the job when the battery is told to supply aggressors. Sometimes we call him 'Colonel Piccolo of the Circle Trigon Army'. "
Stan had problems with his mouth. He looked at the Divarty XO. "Just think, Sir. If we're outside of here and garrison you'd have to salute HIM."
"I can just picture Colonel Livingston hearing that," said the Divarty XO.
"He has more time in grade than I do. I'd have to salute him," I added helpfully. The Divarty XO outright laughed at that and I knew our acorns were out of the fire. He called me a sneaky bastard.
The entire point was moot. Salutes were never exchanged in the field in the first place.
Then my battery S-2, a captain, spoke up. "What are we going to do with the captured BnCO?"
"He's a legitimate military casualty, Sir. I'd send him back into garrison with orders not to communicate with his battalion, Sir," I replied.
The Divarty XO looked at me. "Colonel...dammit! Sergeant...Now I've got it...we both think alike." He turned to my battery S-2. "So ordered. The BnCO goes home."
I was glad I didn't have to hear the fireworks over that one but my S-2 looked at the Divarty XO and asked him if he wanted him to bust me back to sergeant.
"You don't have the authority," he replied, dryly. "That would require a General Courts-Martial by the Circle Trigon Army. You're stuck with him. You made him, you salute him."
The officers here dutifully chuckled.
The fallout was that the kidnapped BnCO wasn't going to get promoted. He would retire as a lieutenant colonel. The horror show he had thrown had probably cemented that. The BnCO had done it to himself.
Had the BnCo accepted things and gone along with it it he would have stood back and simply realized his battalion would get along fine without him.
His battalion passed their test without him and had he not caused the horror show could have come out of it smelling like a rose. It would have looked like he had done his job and trained his people.
Our army has a pretty interesting history of units still remaining combat effective while under the leadership of very junior officers and in some cases enlisted men alone. I've read true stories of corporals running platoons with effectiveness.
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