Things I have to stop doing.

I have to keep from referring to Venetian blinds as Somalian bunk beds. 

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When a toddler escapes from their mother I will NOT scoop the infant up, hand her to the nearest women and tell her to hold it for 30 days and if nobody claims it, it's YOURS.

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If a police officer is in a convenience store and I am speaking to a busybody that deserves it I will not begin my explanation of whatever with, "After I escaped from a Turkish prison...."

If the cop is drinking coffee he'll likely snarf and trash his uniform and that is not a good thing.

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I will not ask the woman at the doctor's office to marry me anymore because she takes what I say seriously. The woman at the convenience store is another case entirely. She's evil and the next time I came in she showed me her on line bridal registry she had opened up. Seems she was engaged to someone and the next time I came in she showed it to me and acted like it was for us and got ME scared. 

I like people like her.

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I will stop posting on Nextdoor that Walmart has bought this empty nearby campus and is opening up in the nearby weathly neighborhood. While the screeching was epic, I got 30 days for that one.

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Stop getting teenagers to buy beer for me. I got my Real ID driver's license back so I can be a big boy and buy my own.

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I will stop using the word 'stupid' on social media because too many retarded people are offended and complain.

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I will stop complaining about wind turbines causing it to get windy because everytime they make them spin fast it gets windy. Last time I was near one it was spinning fast and there was about a 30 knot wind.

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The next time some idiot gets indignant about legalizing switchblade knives I will not flick mine open and start singing a Leonard Bernstein song. If I do I will make sure that I don't sing "Gee, Officer Krumpke" in front of a police officer. (Then again maybe I will as police officers generally have a pretty good sense of humor.)

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I will not give the kid down the street any more dating advice if his mother isn't out of the house because her ears are too good. Telling him to date homeless chicks because after the date you can drop them off anywhere or the stock answer 'the one with the biggest tits' sets her off like a skyrocket. I won't post what I said about fat chicks here but that REALLY sent his mom into the ozone.

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To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: http://piccoloshash.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-feminine-side-blog-stays-pink.html NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY