Monday, November 21, 2011

Just find a quiet corner, lie down and BLEED QUIETLY

Someone just looked at me and grinned. "Bleed quietly," he said."I just heard that story from Bob Lewis."

"Hmmm," I replied.

A few years back I was sailing with this guy that always had some kind of sob sister tale of woe coming out of his mouth. I knew it was all a crock, but in the interest of crew harmony, I played along for a while. Doing that was a mistake of sorts because he was like a kitty cat that has just had someone feed it, he kept returning to me with more and more of it.

It was clear that this guy just wanted me to feel sorry for him when he had nothing really to feel sorry for.

One day he told me he didn't feel like going on and that was the last straw. I was tired of playing his game. I suggested he go get some help and he refused. It was obvious that he had simply been playing his shipmates for sympathy and I was tired of it.

I snapped. I was sick and tired of his crap and enough is enough. Everyone else on board was tired of him, too. While it takes some serious doing to get me angry, there is sometimes someone out there stupid enough and willing to go the whole mile and get me rolling.

"Siddown!" I snapped. "Everyone here is sick and tired of your sob sister bull$shit. If you want to off yourself, go ahead. You won't be missed."

His jaw slacked and he looked at me all hurty which angered me even more.

"If you want to take the cheap way out and leave your wife and kids hating you because you took the easy way out, that is NOT my problem," I said. "My problem is the welfare and morale of those around me. If you want to leave, though, I won't argue."

"Now," I continued, 'If you do decide to off yourself don't be a selfish and inconsiderate bastard about it. Do NOT drink the Drano under the sink. It will cause your bowels to empty and make a nasty mess. Do NOT endanger us by shooting yourself. The bulkheads are steel and ricochets are dangerous. It also make a Godawful mess and someone will have to scrape your brains off of a wall. Besides, the shot will wake everyone up. The best thing you can do is go into the tool room and grab the duct tape and razor blades and tape your arms to the toilet seat and cut your wrists. With any luck we won't find you until you are stone dead and I'll get to call the coroner instead of the paramedics. To clean up the mess all we will have to do is simply flush the damned toilet. Please have the consideration for us just this one time by making it easy for us."

He looked real hurty at me, and his lower jaw quivered a bit.

"Above all," I finished, "Bleed quietly so you don't wake up the off watch guys."

He stood there with a hangdog look, realizing I had run out of sympathy and that his little charade was over. I went in for the finale.

"Just go somewhere you won't make a mess and BLEED QUIETLY," I said.

He didn't say a whole lot to me after that and shortly after that he left to work somewhere else which is fine by me.

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