Sunday, January 22, 2017

An open letter to General Mattis.


I am getting a little long in the tooth to be going out on combat patrols. The back aches a bit in the morning. Old age has set in and I now use wire cutters to cut my toenails. You are no spring chicken, either so you likely know the drill.

A couple of years ago I made a mistake that makes me ineligible for military service. I got my birthday back and got old overnight.

Back in the day I got into some non-trouble with a pissed off major. I had done nothing wrong but I got reported anyway. My First Sergeant, a man short on formal schooling but having immense native wisdom decided the way to handle the situation was to punish me and report I had been punished.

He took away my birthday.

That left me in the odd situation where I was going to remain 23 years old forever.

As time passed and everyone else around me aged I realized I would never become eligible for any retirement as nobody is going to pay retirement benefits to a 23 year old man.

I called my old army unit and argued with the quite amused First Sergeant for about 45 minutes until he finally gave in and gave me my birthday back.

Right now I wish I had not done this because I am now too old to serve under you.

For the record, if you can use my services feel free to ask. I will drop what I am doing and dig out my old uniform. Incidentally it still fits.

Actually I may be more useful then you think. As I got older I find I only think about sex 98% of the time. This give me twice as much time to think about the mission as the younger guys have.

Secondly, I am not as impulsive as a younger man. I am far more likely to remember that the most important six inches on the battlefield is between my ears. I am far more apt to stop and think before I act.

I am also a lot less likely to cause disciplinary problems because although I occasionally imbibe, I have years of experience on how to without causing any trouble. Perhaps I could use this to set an example to the younger guys that could use a little adult supervision.

While I am probably too old to go on combat patrol, I still shoot CMP matches regularly. I know my way around a service rifle. I can probably be useful fixing things or even simply keeping the line in front of the whorehouse straight and orderly.

It would be quite an honor to go back into uniform and serve under you.

Your for the asking,


To find out why the blog is pink just cut and paste this: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF TODAY'S ESSAY

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